My free time has dwindled down to pretty much nothing these days...and the "time" I do have is spent doing loads and loads of laundry and picking up the house over and over again. So the blog has taken a backseat. I feel guilty for plopping Liv down to play alone while I write...but she is having fun knocking Bert and Ernie around. Liv has blossomed over the last 2 weeks. She is very interactive. She talks alot. She is playing with toys. She is just A LOT of fun right now! She is nearly 4 months old already! She still has big blue eyes, auburn hair and definately has her own look. She is definately more a combo of the kids. She continues to be a joy to all of us. The kids adore her and she never goes long without someone in her face.

Grace has a big event coming up in her life. She is having her tonsils and adnoids removed this Thursday! Gulp!! I am super nervous for my little girl. She is in good hands but no one wants to see their child in pain. And, I certainly don't want her to get pulled off to the OR without us. I know how scary it can be and I am an adult! We took her to pick out all the "fun" things she gets to eat after surgery. Pretty sure we went over the top but it is one thing she was excited about and we have plenty of neighborhood kids that can help polish it all off:) We are taking her to a class tonight so she will get to see what "surgery" is all about. She was jumping on the trampoline yesterday with some friends. I was listening to her tell them, "I am So mad! I am having surgery in 4 days!! I am so mand about it. But, it'll be okay." On one hand she is thrilled to get all of this "extra" attention. On the other hand she is frightened. "I just can't get surgery out of my head mom!" Wish us luck and a speedy recovery.

Grace and I went to see Beck's grave yesterday. We have not been there since the snow started falling. Grace was actually looking forward to going. That is a big change! We went and cleaned his place up a little. There was a balloon there that said it's a girl. At first I thought, a little ironic that a balloon with "it's a girl" would have got blown over here. And then it dawned on me that obviously someone went there and attached the balloon to one of his flower baskets. It warms my heart that others think of him...visit him...other people than just us. I have been there on several occasions when there is a trinket there, left by someone else. I can't even tell you as a mother how that touches me. I read a quote on another person's blog the other day. "No one is ever truely dead, until they are no longer loved." Thank you to so many that keep Beck's memory alive. Thanks to those that continue to love him. Thanks to those who let me talk about him whenever I feel like it. Thanks to those who ask how we are doing. Thanks to those who have been there with me when I needed it most. And a special thanks to the other moms whom I can relate to that have been there! Our "support" group is very important to me.

We are coming up on 1 1/2 years since we met and said goodbye to our little boy. Not a single hour goes by that I do not think of him.

Last spring, I was sad. I had lost hope in feeling good again. I had been going through the motions, but not really feeling. Everything seemed dull and drab. Spring is a time of renewal and new life, but last year I did not really feel that. A precious life was taken from us so nothing felt truely good or new, just dark and sad. There may have been moments when I thought I did...but I didn't. I could probably go back and read my enteries around that time and I may have written that I felt it...but I didn't. I didn't because I now know how deep of a hole I was in. I am in such a different place this spring. I am out of the hole, I sit just at the edge. Once in a while, when I am alone...I sneak into the hole for a while, but alone time is never very often or long...so I sit at the edge the majority of the time and it feels good. Oddly, I only feel a mind sense of guilt. I know that Beckett sees us. I know Beckett knows how much he is loved and missed. I know that Beckett knows he would have had a great life with us. I guess I feel I have poured my heart out to him in silence and on this blog...

Liv has brought this newness and is the reason I sit at the edge right now. She has brought so much joy to our family. She has allowed me to see the beauty in everyday things again. She has allowed me to be excited to see flower buds popping up. She has allowed me to feel full of energy again. She has renewed me. Maybe that is alot to put on one child...maybe one day she will resent me for it, but I don't think I rely on her in an unhealthy way or treat the other kids that they are less special. It is just that she has reminded us that we can be happy again. Her presence has help lift the hopelessness, feelings of being lost and given us a happy ending. And her she is...our sweet little slice of heaven.

We have been so busy the last few weeks, I thought it was time I sat down and do a little updating.

Our sweet little baby came down with RSV this last week. We have finally turned a corner with it, though, thank goodness! A parent feels so helpless with an infant who is hacking up a lung. Poor little thing. I took her in last Tuesday because she was getting progressively worse with a slight fever and labored breathing. Monday night I held her close to me all night and I slept with one eye open. She was breathing so fast, was very rattley, and she was uncomfortable. A mom always has those anxious moments when your kid is really sick. But it is magnified by ten times now. I am just so scared to loose her. I was afraid she was going to stop breathing and I envisioned myself holding her...lifeless. But before I could get too batty she turned a corner and is back to smiling her big, gummy smile.

Liv is really turning into a little flirt. She bats her long eyelashes and flashes a big smile while starring into my eyes with an intensity. I love those moments when you are feeding your baby and they can't take their eyes off you. She is definately a happy baby. And why wouldn't she be? She is adored around the clock:)

We have had some big changes in our household over the last three months. Obviously Livie was born 3 months ago. Going from two kids to three has been overall a smooth transition. However, I think things have gone pretty smooth because I have had an extra set of hands helping me here and there throughout the day. Cory's company was in process of being sold in the last few weeks of my pregnancy. With that it meant there was going to be some big changes. Not a great time in our life for another major change (stress upon stress upon stress) but we tried to focus on all the positive aspects. For one, Cory has been working out of our house since after Christmas. That means he sees the kids a whole lot more! He is now a consultant for the company that purchased ACN. We set him up an office in our living room downstairs. Which means he doesn't have to rush out the door in the morning to head to the office. He gets to snuggle the kids in the morning and see them off to school.  The kids are absolutely thrilled that they get to have extra time with their dad whom they adore. He is able to spend more time with Liv than he ever would have before. He even gets to bring Grace to school once in a while. He loves being here to greet the kids home from school. Although, they still have not grasped the concept that he needs to work and just can't play because he is here. They often will "tattle" on Cory to me. "Mom dad won't play with me right now!" And I will say, "Dad is working how about I play something with you?" "No, I want to play with dad." So I guess the biggest change for me has been accepting that I am no longer the cats meow during the day (granted, I was the only choice)!  Dad is now getting all the offers to play:) I guess I can live with that for a while. 20 games of Hullaballoo gets a little boring!