Last spring, I was sad. I had lost hope in feeling good again. I had been going through the motions, but not really feeling. Everything seemed dull and drab. Spring is a time of renewal and new life, but last year I did not really feel that. A precious life was taken from us so nothing felt truely good or new, just dark and sad. There may have been moments when I thought I did...but I didn't. I could probably go back and read my enteries around that time and I may have written that I felt it...but I didn't. I didn't because I now know how deep of a hole I was in. I am in such a different place this spring. I am out of the hole, I sit just at the edge. Once in a while, when I am alone...I sneak into the hole for a while, but alone time is never very often or long...so I sit at the edge the majority of the time and it feels good. Oddly, I only feel a mind sense of guilt. I know that Beckett sees us. I know Beckett knows how much he is loved and missed. I know that Beckett knows he would have had a great life with us. I guess I feel I have poured my heart out to him in silence and on this blog...

Liv has brought this newness and is the reason I sit at the edge right now. She has brought so much joy to our family. She has allowed me to see the beauty in everyday things again. She has allowed me to be excited to see flower buds popping up. She has allowed me to feel full of energy again. She has renewed me. Maybe that is alot to put on one child...maybe one day she will resent me for it, but I don't think I rely on her in an unhealthy way or treat the other kids that they are less special. It is just that she has reminded us that we can be happy again. Her presence has help lift the hopelessness, feelings of being lost and given us a happy ending. And her she is...our sweet little slice of heaven.