Good grief!

Instead of writing about the grief associated with death and dying, I want to introduce you to the "grief" that my middle child presents on a daily basis. Although it can be rather frustrating at times, I have to laugh and wonder what runs through her mind. This is a dangerous post to write since I am asking both sets of grandparents and a friend to help us out while we are gone to sunny Mexico! They might want to back out:)

I could write a whole book on Grace.

We were driving in the car on the way to dance class. We were listening to a song by Rihanna on the radio. She told me she had talked to dad about changing her name. She does not want to be Grace anymore, in her words, "Too BORING!" She wants her new name to be Brehanna. A mix of Brianna and Rihanna. I told her she can't just change her name. I told her that she would have to go to a courthouse to get it changed. She had the most excited look on her face and said, "Alright, let's go!" Girlfriend has big dreams and they are less than ordinary!

She has been having some issues this week with getting to the bathroom in time when in the tub. I won't go into detail but I needed to disinfect the tub after her bath. I told her she needed to come and help me. I grabbed a pair of yellow, latex gloves and started the process. She grabbed the second pair. As she was "helping" me clean the tub, I looked over to her to discuss why we had to do what we were doing. There she was looking at me her cute little nose poking out of ski goggles!! She had these huge ski goggles on, only wearing underwear, and yellow latex gloves. I had to leave the room to laugh. I could not keep a straight face. Needless to say, we had to finish the job in silence.

Today, I found a random garbage bag filled with water and secured with a hair tie in the bathroom. I do not understand her purpose for doing these things. And then deciding I better look for other damage and found about 25 Kleenex's piled up on the night stand. NEVER count on Grace just going to the bathroom, washing her hands, and getting back to life.

On the way to hockey practice, Holden was sad and telling me one of his friends keeps taking his hat and running away. He was pretty upset about it. I was asking him questions and offering advice. Advice he was shooting down one after the other. Then Grace pipes up. "Mom can I say something?" "Sure Grace". "Holden, I know what you should do! You should fight back (sinister voice). That is what I do!" What???? I don't know if she is full of bologna or not. I think I need to e-mail her teacher and make sure all is well at school? Yes, there was a part of me thinking good job girl, stick up for yourself. That is something her brother can not do very well. All his friends know he will not push back. He doesn't have it in him (unless if the situation involves Grace).

Today, Liv and I were dancing and singing to some Christian rock music. Grace listened to it just yesterday and seemed to really enjoy it. After about the 5th song she came downstairs and shut it off. She said she just could not listen to it right now. I asked her why and she said "It makes me think of things." I figured she meant like Ann or sad things...she said "No" with a puzzled look on her face. More of an eye roll puzzled. I asked her what the deal was then. She said, "Ugh! It makes me feel like fighting! I don't want to talk about it." Interesting response.

Have fun G'ma's and G'pa's!!!!!

Ann passed away on Sunday afternoon. She made it back to MN last Wednesday via an air ambulance. She was able to see her grand babies, family, and dearest friends before she left this world.

I woke Sunday morning and told Cory that I had the the most wonderful dream. His response? "I never hear you say those words together. Wonderful and dream." When I woke up I was really happy. I had a dream that I got to see Ann. She was waiting for me in the middle of a road. She had her arms outstretched for me. I can just see her plain as day right now...just like that. I went to give her a big bear like hug and she just smiled and stopped me...asking me to just hug her on one side because the cancer was hurting her on one side of her neck. And then we (my family) walked down the road...Ann and I were arm in arm. We got to a hotel. We sat there, she was in a recliner, with a smile on her face. She was rocking back and forth and just listening to us. We were all so happy in my dream. Everyone was smiling and enjoying the company. I felt like it was my goodbye. It was strange to get "the phone call" to find out she died that day.

It really breaks my heart to know she is only her in spirit now. The world feels a little off to me.

Ann, I know you are in Heaven. You did amazing things with your time her on earth. You were a giver. You took care of the sick. You made this world a better place. Thank you for leaving all of us with wonderful memories. Thank you for being such a good role model. Do me a favor? Can you kiss Beckett's little toes and tell him I love him?! I know you will;)

Alright, time to dry these tears and put a smile on for my Gracie girl. She hates it when I cry:)

I just wanted to ask all of my readers for some more prayers for Ann and her family. Pray for strength and for God's arms to be wrapped around them. Ann is doing okay. Just pray for continued strength so that she can spend some more quality time with her family.

Grief is so intense. It just penetrates every fiber of your being. It paralyzes you. It consumes your mind, soul and body. It is emotionally and physically draining. After you have experienced it...you never want to experience it again, but it is out of our control.

Interestingly, it can be beautiful and inspiring as well. Not that anyone is looking forward to the experience. You never want to be in the position to have to grieve someone you adore, but if you find yourself there...you just might see some of the beauty in it. It can bring people closer together. You can develop unbreakable bonds with the people you are grieving for and those who will be or are left behind. It can allow you to be completely vulnerable and that opens up doors that may have never been opened. It allows you to see the strength in your own human spirit. You find out what you are really made of. A sense of what is really important in life is revealed and you are better able to manage hardships or life's stresses. And just knowing there is someone waiting for you in Heaven gives you the strength to put one foot in front of the other until you are united again.

I have struggled and struggled with my own grief. I have struggled with the question of whether or not there really is a Heaven. Will I really see my baby boy again?

I received a Nook Color for Christmas from Cory. We had a few minutes to before we needed to leave on Christmas Eve day and I really wanted to download a book for the drive. I had no idea what I was doing, but I got to the book selection page and there was a book that I felt was just meant for me to read. I felt like it was a sign from Beck that he was with us. I felt like this book was speaking to me that day. It is titled, Heaven is for Real: A Little Boy's Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back, Author Todd Burpo. A great read! It made me cry. It made me hopeful. It renewed and strengthened my belief that there is a Heaven. Some day we will all be reunited with our precious loved ones.

A little update on Ann...

Mom and dad are still in Palm Springs, CA. Today marks 11 days. Ann has seemed to take a turn for the better the last 2 days. They think that maybe the infection has cleared up and as a result she is feeling better. She can pick up her own water glass, laugh and carry on conversations. Unfortunately, the type of cancer she has is running wild...that will not get better. I'd like to still hope for a miracle. She is on hospice care so there is no more testing to know what is all going on inside.

Mom is really enjoying (sounds strange) her time out there. Lots of quality time with her cherished friend and Ann's family. Who knows where this all will go from here but I am so glad she is feeling better!

Celebrate today...

Please continue to keep Ann, her family, and my mom in your prayers.

Yesterday was quite a day. We are in the process of doing room switches. Holden and Grace have shared a room ever since we found out we were pregnant with Beckett. It has been a pretty good arrangement, but it is becoming time that they separate with the ages they are at. Neither kid is willing to move to a different level of the house (okay by me:) so Liv and Grace will be bunking together. Holden will be taking Liv's room. Holden and I started the process of switching clothes over. He was looking through his clothes and telling me which things he did not think fit him anymore...what he really wanted to say was that he did not like some shirts. Once I told him it was  okay to tell me you do not like something he did not hold back! So in the process we have a stack of clothing to go to Goodwill. I LOVE PURGING!

Earlier in the day the girls and I were cleaning their room out. Liv had just left the room and I watched her go into her old bedroom. I put something in a box looked up and I saw her little head going for the stairs. I literally hurdled Holden's bed and sprinted to catch her but my fingers just grazed her clothes. I watched my little girl do kart wheels down the stairs landing flat on her face at the bottom. It was a horrendous sight. I screamed "Liv!" and there was Grace at the top of the stairs completely terrified that Liv had died. She had the saddest look on her face and was calling out Liv's name. When she realized she was okay...she tried comforting her with about 20 blankets and nukies. It took a while for all of us to recover. That girl is F-A-S-T!

After that traumatic experience, she had some lunch and took a nap. I was on the phone with Sherri when I heard a thump and then a cry. I knew it was Liv. I took off up the stairs and found her crying a walking out of her room...her blankie hanging on the crib. Obviously, she made a break for it and got a nugget on her head to prove it. She jumped ship!! That little stinker. She is a strong child, always has been. But since she escaped her crib (thankfully not hurt) we need to put it as low as it can go. That lead to a full room switch. So, the girls are in the one room and Holden is on his own, but just before bedtime her thought he'd rather sleep on the top bunk than sleep on a mattress on the floor. He says he was not chickening out, but he just did not want to sleep on the floor. So, all three kids bunked together...I can't believe we all slept through the night. It sounded disastrous!

The girls are going with a music and guitar theme in hot pinks, green and pink. Holden has decided to go the UND Fighting Sioux hockey route. He really wanted black walls or that Irish green color. I told him I refused to paint any of those colors on my walls. My ideas of what would look good aesthetically and his ideas of what is cool and "all Sioux" are not jiving. He said he wants me to do a drawing of my ideas in a color for him...what? Can't the kid just trust me?:)

So our house is all a buzz and a mess...and a ton of work to be done to get all the rooms complete. Anyone who wants to come over for a painting party you are welcome anytime:)

On another note, this weather has been nothing short of depressing. It seems to snow every single day and very little sunshine. However, in just 22 days we will be sitting on the beaches of Cancun for seven days! Yippee...that is the only thing getting me through these less than happy days. The grandparents will be doing a split shift for us. The kids love being with their grandparents so they should barely notice we are gone. And...maybe my little cling on will see she is okay without me not always in her sight. We are so excited to get away...without any responsibilities and some much needed couple time. We have not been on a real vacation since before Grace was conceived. We have done short little getaways, but not a tropical getaway for an extended time. It is overdue and much anticipated:)

I purchased a few items last weekend for the trip and when we got in the car Grace asked why I needed flip flops for Mexico...wasn't there snow in Mexico? When we informed her what we would be wearing and doing she put on her biggest pout face and said "unfair!" Hehe...yep it is:)

For those who know Ann and might come here for information....

Ann made it through the night. A couple of her grandchildren got there at midnight and what a blessing for them to be able to see and talk to their beloved grandma.

Ann has perked up and seems to be doing better than she was yesterday afternoon. I guess this will be a little bit of a roller coaster.

My mom said she a really good heart to heart with Ann this morning. I am SO unbelievably thankful that they have this time together!! I can't even begin to explain how much joy it brings me in such a sad situation.

Ever since Beckett has died, I have thought about who I love that I could ask to hold him and send me a sign that everything was okay. But, who the heck would I ask without being morbid or sounding like a lunatic? I mean...how do you ask someone...if you get there before I do can you do me a favor? The only way that was happening was in my mind.

When I knew that I would probably not be able to see Ann and tell her how I felt about her, I decided to write her a letter. I tried to keep it brief and breezy. At the end, I asked her for one more request from her godchild...I knew she would understand...I asked her to hold my little boy once she got all settled in Heaven. My mom told me today that she said she would surely do that for me. Very powerful and emotional for me. I love Ann so much, I knew she'd say yes.

Please, if anyone who reads this in the next 24 hours...say a prayer for my Godmother Ann. Pray for a peaceful passing. Pray for her family and dear friend, my mom, who sit beside her.

It sounds as if Ann will not make it much longer. There was a glimmer of hope that she might get well enough to make it back to MN before the cancer would take her, but that hope has been severely diminished in the last few hours. I so wished she'd make it back so that all who loved her would get to laugh with her one last time and get one last hug. Life sucks sometimes!