The other night, I held my son as he cried...for his brother.

It was a typical weekend night, Holden requesting a sleepover. We said no. He got upset. He stomped off to be alone. After about an hour of letting him pout, I approached him and was met with sad eyes. I asked what was the matter. He turned away and hid his head under the covers. I pressed on asking him to please tell me why he was acting so funny. He relented. What he said nearly knocked me on my knees. Shock, fear, anger, sadness...overtook me.

I still cannot say it or write the words without my heart beating a little faster, air harder to come by...he said that sometimes he wanted to die. I am not thinking of this as a link to Beckett at that second, I am concerned for his mental health. And then he said, "If I die, I will be with Beckett. I just want to see him so bad! I want to be with my brother." He confided in me that this time of year it is really hard for him. He told me that he thinks of him all the time and it makes him really sad. I held him so tight and I blubbered out all the things a mom is supposed to say, but I am thinking I have felt that desperate too at times. I know what you mean buddy.

I definitely underestimated his feelings. I am so wrapped up in my own grief this time of year, I really never even thought to ask him. We talk about Beckett often but we really do not talk about each other's feelings and where we are at now.

My heart breaks for Holden. He is a passionate and sensitive kid. He does not think like a typical nine year old. He is deep, wise...an old soul.

Since then, I have waited for an opportunity to catch him alone and revisit his feelings to gauge where he is at when he is less tired and irritated. He was laying on the trampoline alone today...perfect! I went out and laid on the trampoline with him. We made small talk for a little bit. When I asked him how he is dealing with everything lately, he shrugged his shoulders and said fine. He told me another piece of information that I have never given a thought to. He told me going to church makes him think about Beckett more. He does not like it.

I think I understand his feelings. I know I still struggle with church, especially now. I guess I still have some unresolved resentment and hurts that have not been addressed...neither does he. Problem is...how do I help him? He does not want to talk to anyone about it, but I think he needs to. He is embarrassed and too proud to let his feelings show. How forceful should I be? Any advice would be appreciated.

I am SO overly emotional this time of year. I seriously can tear up over the silliest of things. For example, watchign a recap on the Today Show about the Emmy's. I teared up when Mad Men won, I have never even seen a single episode. I have NO idea what it is about. I cried for Modern Family, well I guess that could be legit.

Today I am crying because I am homesick. I need my mom. I need my sisters. I want to see my dad. I would love just to head to a coffee shop and sit on those oversized chairs and just talk about silly things with them. I have purchased coffee more last week than I ever have because for some wierd reason in makes me feel closer to them. I really love living in Moorhead, but I really hate being far enough away that I have to plan my visits.

I know the reason for all this emotional stuff is because the anniversary of Beck's death is on our heels. I remember those days so clearly. I just really remember how happy we were. How excitied we were. How great life felt.

It has been almost 3 years. 3 YEARS!!!!!!!! He'd be getting so big. He'd be using all those funny words that I would not correct like cadepider, pasghetti, legobug...I picture him and Holden playing catch out in the yard. I see him following his brother everywhere. I see him adoring Holden in his football gear and standing behind him on the sidelines. I see him jumping on the trampoline with the big kids. I see him playing with all the Tonka trucks in the sandbox. I see him everywhere, but I really don't.

I try to imagine what he'd look like, how tall he would be, how the weight of him would feel on my lap, how his hair would smell before I tucked him into bed...I try to imagine a lot of things and it hurts so bad not to know. I am missing a huge part of my life and at times the weight of that is so overwhelming that I fell crushed. Right now I feel crushed. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest and I can't breath. My little boy. I miss him so much.

I went to his grave site alone this weekend. I don't have many opportunities to do so. I like to sit there and trace his hand prints on his stone. I put my finger right into his palm and envision him squeezing it.

Cory and I are going to sneak away again this year near his angelversary. We did not get to do it last year, but this year we are. Cory's mom and Keith are going to take the kids for us. We got a lake side room with a patio. We will have the King bed with yummy linens and a big TV. Doesn't that sound dreamy? We have no real plans. Maybe we will catch a movie, dinner out...but mostly we will just veg out and watch movies...eat snacks...and then find little bar on the way back to town and catch the Vikes game. Simple, easy...can I go now?

I think it is really good for us to get away at that time. I can sit out on that patio and look into the beautiful sky and hear the lap of the water and think of our little boy.

The school year is off to a good start so far! I think Grace has the best teacher she could have in the 1st grade. Holden likes his teacher as well. She is organized and lays clear expectations, those are situations he can thrive in. Having 2 of the 3 kids gone for half the day is definitely different!

I had a difficult time with letting Grace go. I started this stay at home gig after she was born. We have been through a whole lot together. I have been there for all the firsts, boo boos, bathroom issues, all the fun...and now I had to hand her off. When she was holding on to me for dear life the night before the first days of school with her bottom lip turned down and her salty tears dripping onto my hands, it was hard not to cry with her. Instead, I had to tell her she'd be okay and love school. She would have some new freedom. She gets to be more independent. But, I wanted to cry too and tell her that I wish she could stay little for longer. I wanted to keep her home with me.

She got off to a great start. She seemed to feel confident with her big brother there to get on the bus with her and sit by her. He would get her into the school and come down to her room and get her when it was time to go home. She got off the bus that first day and ran in for a hug and then realized the bus was there with all those kids and she hesitated...gosh, I can't believe we are in the "you are embarrassing me" stage!! It is not like I come out looking like a crazy lady! By that time of the day I have a bra on, my hair is done, and I am out of my comfy clothes! She asked me accusingly, "How long was I at school?" I said, "About 7 hours." She said, "7 hours!!!! 7 hours!!! What? I don't think I like school. That was WAY TOO LONG!" By Thursday she was over the "7 hours".

I was so caught up in loosing Grace, if you will, that I paid little attention to the fact that I would have Liv all to myself! That started to sink in and I started to get excited about getting to do all that little kid stuff with her. When you have older kids all that little kid stuff doesn't happen as much. I have realized that running errands is a whole lot easier with just Liv. She no longer tries to jump out of the cart within the first 2 minutes, rather I get about 20 minutes now before she gets antsy. I think she wanted to get out to run with the big kids before. I let her do that once or twice and not a good idea!

She is the kid that would pull the bottom apple off the display and 20 would come tumbling down. She would proceed to punch every box on the bottom shelf to knock them over. She would take a bottle on a shelf and hurl it as far as she can and laugh...and then go for a second. So it is nice to now not be in a full sweat by the time I leave a store. We signed up for a parent/tot gymnastics class that happens weekly. She LOVED her first day!! She got to run around, dance, jump on legit things, and play with other kids. We are also going to do an ECFE class. I have not done one of these with any of the other kids, so it is something to look forward to. I get to just focus on Liv and that is really cool.

Another really great perk about having two kids in school? I don't have a big lunch mess to clean. Liv will eat anything so lunch is not a big argument. Liv just follows me around the house and stops to play with one or two toys here and there so the house stays clean. Liv takes a nap from about 12:15 to 3:15!!!! That means I have 3 hours, 5 days a week to myself! I am getting lots and lots done! And contrary to what an unnamed brother might think...I don't ever sit down;) I guess what I am trying to say is, I can get used to this! Grace have fun at school:)