Liv's baptism day turned out beautiful. Unbelievably, we had 12 people out the door on time.

I wanted to put my protective armor on Sunday and I did. I did not feel comfortable showing emotion in that type of setting. Instead, I kept my head down and focused on Liv. I knew if I looked up and saw our family and friends...I'd loose it. So I purposely avoided eye contact in that moment. There is a song that the congregation always sings to the children that are baptised. I always loved the song. The song even has more meaning since we have had to say goodbye to Beckett.

Here it is by Micheal Card:

Jesus let us come to know you
Let us see You face to face
Touch us, hold us, use us, mold us
Only let us live in You

Jesus, draw us ever nearer
Hold us in Your loving arms
Wrap us in Your gentle presence
And when the end comes bring us home

I could not sing the last line to her because all I could think about that, in the moment, was Beckett being called home. And, that hurts. You hope and expect the end to come when you are old and have lived your life...not before you took your first breath. Liv actually hummed along (while she was sleeping) which was so incredibly sweet.

When you loose a child you kind of feel like you are in this "club". Anyone else who has experienced similar pain is automatically in the "club". There is an understanding there even if it is unspoken, kind of like having a secret handshake. Not everyone is aware of the connection but you are always aware. Our pastor's (they are husband and wife)lost their first born baby girl at the age of 6 months to SIDS. The sermon on Liv's bapismal day was based on the story of her death. The 28th anniversary of her death was the day before Liv's baptism day. He retold just a glimpse of what happened that day. I do not know what it is like to loose a child that I watched roll over for the first time, or spent hours getting to smile, or rocked to sleep every night...but I can relate to the void and the unspeakable pain that is left in their absence. His story was powerful in that years later they gave birth to a son on the anniversary of their baby's death. He saw it as God blessing them with a joyous gift on such a sad day. He explained that even with all the bad things that happen God does provide blessings and renewed hope. This has been revealed to me with the birth of Liv. Although there is so much I do not understand. Although there is still so much I am still very angry about. Although there is still so much hurt that will never go away. God will provide, I just have to trust that God is good. I felt like our pastor was speaking to us that day. I felt like he was saying...I know you were hurt. I know you still hurt. I know you might still doubt, but see His blessings amongst the tragedy.

It seems life would be so much more simple without tragedy. Liv is our newest blessing and we cherish her and love her with every fiber of our being.

OK, so these are not "new" photos. Liv is about 3 weeks older today...which tells me I need to get my camera out a little more. Liv is 10 weeks old today. Time has simply flown by entirely too fast. I want to hold onto my little baby. I felt closer to Beck in the first 2 months. When I held her...I'd give her a little extra squeeze for Beckett too. More than ever I long to hold our little boy again. I just can't seem to satisfy my need to be closer to him. So, Liv gets all that energy too. She is one loved little girl. Although I am so sad she is getting so much bigger everyday...I am thankful that our tragedy has taught us to slow down and enjoy these moments that will be gone too soon. I really feel I have soaked her all in and will continue to. Beck gave us that gift and for that I am eternally grateful.

Liv is starting to coo a little and she is a little less stingy with her smiles. Last night I had a wonderful hour with her just starting at me. She looked like she had so much to say. She looked really happy and on the verge of busting out in giggles. Then she fell asleep in my arms our faces touching. I am so thankful to have these moments with her. She is such a blessing.

Our little girl will be baptized on Sunday. I know it will be an emotionally challenging few hours. Thankfully I will be surrounded by people I love. They will distract me...they will sense my emotions...they will be supportive. I don't think anyone that was there in our hospital room will ever forget baptizing Beckett. A lot of those same people will stand with us on Sunday as we baptize Liv. Some might think it odd that we baptized Beck being he was already gone. I believe his spirit was in the room with us that night. I just felt strongly that it was something we needed to do. I remember our pastor telling me, "Holly, you know his feet never touched the ground." She was trying to reassure me that his place is in heaven. He was an innocent soul. A special son of God. For me it was a symbol of us giving him to God for safe keeping until we get to hold him again. I couldn't see much through all the tears, but I could hear the words. I remember seeing Holden and Grace's little fingers touch his head, through tear filled eyes, with Holy water. Those fingers will this time touch Liv's head. This will be a special day.

Liv is needing me now. She has had enough of Grace entertaining her with every noisy toys she can find:)