Liv's baptism day turned out beautiful. Unbelievably, we had 12 people out the door on time.

I wanted to put my protective armor on Sunday and I did. I did not feel comfortable showing emotion in that type of setting. Instead, I kept my head down and focused on Liv. I knew if I looked up and saw our family and friends...I'd loose it. So I purposely avoided eye contact in that moment. There is a song that the congregation always sings to the children that are baptised. I always loved the song. The song even has more meaning since we have had to say goodbye to Beckett.

Here it is by Micheal Card:

Jesus let us come to know you
Let us see You face to face
Touch us, hold us, use us, mold us
Only let us live in You

Jesus, draw us ever nearer
Hold us in Your loving arms
Wrap us in Your gentle presence
And when the end comes bring us home

I could not sing the last line to her because all I could think about that, in the moment, was Beckett being called home. And, that hurts. You hope and expect the end to come when you are old and have lived your life...not before you took your first breath. Liv actually hummed along (while she was sleeping) which was so incredibly sweet.

When you loose a child you kind of feel like you are in this "club". Anyone else who has experienced similar pain is automatically in the "club". There is an understanding there even if it is unspoken, kind of like having a secret handshake. Not everyone is aware of the connection but you are always aware. Our pastor's (they are husband and wife)lost their first born baby girl at the age of 6 months to SIDS. The sermon on Liv's bapismal day was based on the story of her death. The 28th anniversary of her death was the day before Liv's baptism day. He retold just a glimpse of what happened that day. I do not know what it is like to loose a child that I watched roll over for the first time, or spent hours getting to smile, or rocked to sleep every night...but I can relate to the void and the unspeakable pain that is left in their absence. His story was powerful in that years later they gave birth to a son on the anniversary of their baby's death. He saw it as God blessing them with a joyous gift on such a sad day. He explained that even with all the bad things that happen God does provide blessings and renewed hope. This has been revealed to me with the birth of Liv. Although there is so much I do not understand. Although there is still so much I am still very angry about. Although there is still so much hurt that will never go away. God will provide, I just have to trust that God is good. I felt like our pastor was speaking to us that day. I felt like he was saying...I know you were hurt. I know you still hurt. I know you might still doubt, but see His blessings amongst the tragedy.

It seems life would be so much more simple without tragedy. Liv is our newest blessing and we cherish her and love her with every fiber of our being.