No cool pictures to show this week, but we do have some news to share. I had my Ob appt. today. Baby's heart sounded really good and my tummy is measuring right on. I am approaching the 30 week mark. So, of course I am getting antsy, anxiety ridden, tired, and I just need to have something to look forward to. I asked about the amnio and how that process all goes down...I told her I was concerned that we have the amnio and then the next day there is no room for me to have the baby (assuming baby is mature enough to make an entrance). She said, "We have plenty on time to schedule that." I think she sensed that wasn't the answer I was hoping for. I told her the closer we get to the end the more crazy I feel, even though I try to put on a front for everyone else. She said she knows me well enough to know that I am not okay right now. That deserved a giggle. So we discussed dates to deliver and all that good stuff. We had several options to choose from but we opted for an amnio on Thursday, November 19th and delivery on November 20th. If the amnio comes back with the results that baby K is not ready yet; we need to wait another painfully, long week and deliver on the 27th of November. Most important though is getting this baby will make it to the finish line and in our arms to stay.
It is absolutely a terrifying journey to be on. At the same time it is such a blessing and miracle. When the baby moves it is the most incredible feeling. I don't take 1 single kick for granted. When the baby keeps me up at night, I don't care, it is a sign that baby is healthy. We love this child so intensely (we love all of our children this way), but loosing Beckett has heightened the feelings. We know how precious life is and how thankful we are to have these wonderful kids in our life. They can never be replaced.
As I approach the anniversary of Beck's death, I remember the activities I was doing leading up to the week of his death. I remember how carefree and oblivious I was that my life was about to be flipped upside down. That our faith would be tested. That our sense of hope and excitement for the future was going to be stripped away. On this day one year ago, I was with Grace and her preschool classmates at the pumpkin patch. I remember that I was moving more slowly. Telling people when I was due and how excited we were. I worked on the finishing touches to the baby's room. This week will be an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. I am trying hard to keep all those emotions in check for the benefit of little Baby K.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
The coolest thing...
Do you ever happen by those photos in magazines showing a 4D image of a baby inside their mother? I do...I always thought how cool would that be to get a picture like that...see your baby like that. Well, today was my lucky day! I feel guilty that it was something only I got to see, as Cory is in Baltimore. I got to see our baby in color, up close and personal!!! It was incredibly thrilling. It was surreal. I gasped when I caught a glimpse of baby K's face (well the mouth and nose) from what I saw it has a striking resemblance to Beckett. It had chunky little cheeks. I will post a picture when I have an opportunity (my disk drive is broken and Cory took his laptop). It was spectacular! The only way to describe it. Although, I do have a bone to pick with this young baby. It held its arm firmly in place covering his/her eyes and half of his/her face. The tech tried more than once to get a clear shot and the baby was being stubborn.
Here is the medical information. Baby was not in the 15% as I was shooting for. He/she was in the 8th percentile:( This is not bad news, according to the doctor. Baby is just small. The growth was on track just the way they would expect a baby in the 50% to do. Our baby's growth is just on a different scale. But, those numbers do allow me to see the baby more often. I go back for another ultrasound in 2 weeks. Maybe another 4D shot for Cory? I hope so! I feel spoiled. This doctor definitely would recommend waiting for an amnio at 37 weeks. SO that was a bit of a bummer. Each day seems like a mountain climbed and I am getting weary. They also conducted a biophysical (measures movement, breathing, and tone) the highest score is an 8 and little baby K scored and 8/8. So that was positive as well. I will return in 2 weeks to continue to monitor the growth of our baby. Being it is on the small side he/she will get some extra attention.
On another note, we ordered the grave marker for Beckett. I hope it turns out how I have it envisioned in my head. We get to see it before it is etched so we can still make some changes. Cory's mom and Keith are sharing the expense with us which we are grateful for. It will be a black stone with a cross and the his hand prints etched in the stone. The verse "Heaven will keep you safe until we are home with you" will be written along the border. Nothing out there could mark his resting place appropriately. There is no way to put all the love, sadness, tears, heartbreak, and beauty he has brought to our life on a grave marker. Holding that in our hearts will have to do.
Here is the medical information. Baby was not in the 15% as I was shooting for. He/she was in the 8th percentile:( This is not bad news, according to the doctor. Baby is just small. The growth was on track just the way they would expect a baby in the 50% to do. Our baby's growth is just on a different scale. But, those numbers do allow me to see the baby more often. I go back for another ultrasound in 2 weeks. Maybe another 4D shot for Cory? I hope so! I feel spoiled. This doctor definitely would recommend waiting for an amnio at 37 weeks. SO that was a bit of a bummer. Each day seems like a mountain climbed and I am getting weary. They also conducted a biophysical (measures movement, breathing, and tone) the highest score is an 8 and little baby K scored and 8/8. So that was positive as well. I will return in 2 weeks to continue to monitor the growth of our baby. Being it is on the small side he/she will get some extra attention.
On another note, we ordered the grave marker for Beckett. I hope it turns out how I have it envisioned in my head. We get to see it before it is etched so we can still make some changes. Cory's mom and Keith are sharing the expense with us which we are grateful for. It will be a black stone with a cross and the his hand prints etched in the stone. The verse "Heaven will keep you safe until we are home with you" will be written along the border. Nothing out there could mark his resting place appropriately. There is no way to put all the love, sadness, tears, heartbreak, and beauty he has brought to our life on a grave marker. Holding that in our hearts will have to do.
Monday, September 21, 2009
I am tired of having bad dreams. I am tired of waiting for something bad to happen. I am tired of not sleeping for fear I won't know if the baby has died. I am tired of my constant friend...anxiety. I am tired. Sometimes I think 8-8 1/2 weeks isn't that long...we are not ready for what comes next! Other times I wish time was up and we would know what was in store for us. Can't I just be monitored 24 hours a day? I know I'd grow tired of that too. I use prayer to help me when I am feeling in despair and my prayers will be answered by a kick. Those kicks are great. They are comforting but Beckett was a big kicker and mover and he did not make it. There is no good answer...just patience and prayer at this point. My patience is definitely wearing thin. (I believe God threw me a bone when Grace started pooping on the potty...he knew I could only take so much before turning into dragon lady).
Cory and I talked about the October 4th...what will we do? It certainly is not a day to celebrate in my opinion. It was the worst day of our life. I won't need to sit there at his grave and remember that day and the events leading up to finding out his heart was no longer beating. Those thoughts run through my mind each and every single day sometimes 3 to 4 times. I remember crying alone in the operating room leaning on a sweet nurse while I got my spinal. I was scared out of my mind. Terrified of what was to come next. I remember getting sick and the anestitist trying to help me. I remember the defining silence as they pulled our baby from me...the lack of crying...the silence. The announcement "Congratulations, it is a perfect little boy!" The indescribable ripping of our hearts. There we sat broken. Wanting to wake up from this horrific nightmare. I remember them presenting that beautiful, still face to us. I could barely see through all of the tears. I remember going back to my room and digging down as deep as I have ever had to to hold our forever sleeping baby. The pain indescribable. The pain...unbearable. I relive those moments every day. I don't need a certain day to expose those feelings and memories. They are always there. SO, I don't know what we will do. I bought some flowers to bring there. We will probably release some balloons to the heavens just as we did on the day we buried him and on his due date. It seems a little lame to me but what else do you do?
On a lighter note...the kids are loving school. Holden says he has the best teacher in the whole world. He really enjoys her. He thought there was going to be a substitute teacher one day so he thought he would stay home sick. I am really happy for him. Liking your teacher can make a big difference.
Grace loves preschool so far too. She goes every afternoon for 2 1/2 hours. She asks all morning when it is time to leave for school. It certainly is different to have that time to myself. Although, I thought that sounded like a lot of time for me to get things accomplished, but it goes by very quickly! But it is great to run those little errands that I put off when the kids are with. It is also pretty fun to be able to go out to lunch with friends or my husband. It has been 4 years since I have been able to do that:) Grace attends a christian based school so they learn lots of stuff about the bible and Jesus. Cory told me she told him that when we sin we get a black heart but if we don't sin our hearts stay pink. She thinks she is sinning when she wets her pants. Cory corrected her and said that was not sinning. I think maybe we should go with the guilt:)! I know we all grew up with plenty of 'Catholic guilt":) Not necessarily all from mom and dad...the nuns and teachers at school used it on a daily basis:)
I have an ultrasound this week Wednesday. I am flying solo on this one so I hope there is nothing but good news. I am hoping for a 15% baby. I hope to walk out of there with a little extra hop in my step. Seeing our baby provides us with some reassurance...even if it is short lived. That hour is amazing.
Cory and I talked about the October 4th...what will we do? It certainly is not a day to celebrate in my opinion. It was the worst day of our life. I won't need to sit there at his grave and remember that day and the events leading up to finding out his heart was no longer beating. Those thoughts run through my mind each and every single day sometimes 3 to 4 times. I remember crying alone in the operating room leaning on a sweet nurse while I got my spinal. I was scared out of my mind. Terrified of what was to come next. I remember getting sick and the anestitist trying to help me. I remember the defining silence as they pulled our baby from me...the lack of crying...the silence. The announcement "Congratulations, it is a perfect little boy!" The indescribable ripping of our hearts. There we sat broken. Wanting to wake up from this horrific nightmare. I remember them presenting that beautiful, still face to us. I could barely see through all of the tears. I remember going back to my room and digging down as deep as I have ever had to to hold our forever sleeping baby. The pain indescribable. The pain...unbearable. I relive those moments every day. I don't need a certain day to expose those feelings and memories. They are always there. SO, I don't know what we will do. I bought some flowers to bring there. We will probably release some balloons to the heavens just as we did on the day we buried him and on his due date. It seems a little lame to me but what else do you do?
On a lighter note...the kids are loving school. Holden says he has the best teacher in the whole world. He really enjoys her. He thought there was going to be a substitute teacher one day so he thought he would stay home sick. I am really happy for him. Liking your teacher can make a big difference.
Grace loves preschool so far too. She goes every afternoon for 2 1/2 hours. She asks all morning when it is time to leave for school. It certainly is different to have that time to myself. Although, I thought that sounded like a lot of time for me to get things accomplished, but it goes by very quickly! But it is great to run those little errands that I put off when the kids are with. It is also pretty fun to be able to go out to lunch with friends or my husband. It has been 4 years since I have been able to do that:) Grace attends a christian based school so they learn lots of stuff about the bible and Jesus. Cory told me she told him that when we sin we get a black heart but if we don't sin our hearts stay pink. She thinks she is sinning when she wets her pants. Cory corrected her and said that was not sinning. I think maybe we should go with the guilt:)! I know we all grew up with plenty of 'Catholic guilt":) Not necessarily all from mom and dad...the nuns and teachers at school used it on a daily basis:)
I have an ultrasound this week Wednesday. I am flying solo on this one so I hope there is nothing but good news. I am hoping for a 15% baby. I hope to walk out of there with a little extra hop in my step. Seeing our baby provides us with some reassurance...even if it is short lived. That hour is amazing.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
I had another appointment yesterday. I was supposed to be seen by the nurse practitioner since my OB was on vacation, but they told me she came in to make room for a few patients and I was one of them. That was reassuring. So I saw my regular Dr., whom I must say I have grown a new affection for. She is just so good to us. She always takes her time to find out how I am doing emotionally and is very reassuring in covering the next steps. Heartbeat sounded great. This is the first appointment that it was easily found. Hmmm...does that mean it is getting bigger? My tummy is measuring right on. And I had the most clear urine of the day! Yeah for me:) I had a Coke before my appointment...not 6 cups of water. Coke gets the baby going and sometimes I need that to keep sanity.
We discussed the next months ahead and what my care will look like. Every two weeks with her from now until it goes to weekly. It was nice of her to offer weekly appointments but I declined for now. I will be seen weekly here coming up so I think I can live with that. We discussed delivery. Such a terrifying thought. My doctor recommends a amnio at 37 weeks, she think 36 is a little early. I explained that we certainly did not want our baby to be in the NICU. After all we have been through, in a perfect world, I imagine us being in the hospital room with our little bundle...everyone being able to hold him/her and for him/her to be able to come home with us. The thought of that just brings immediate tears to my eyes. Could we really be bringing this baby home with us? Can we allow ourselves to believe that without being completely crushed? I guess we will see where this takes us, but if we go with the 37 weeks (she did mention my mental stability-if I can hack 37-so it could still be negotiated at 36) we are looking at November 20th or the first part of Thanksgiving week. FYI to family-the Klinnert's would not be traveling anywhere for the Thanksgiving holiday:) Too much to think about yet but it is kind of nice to have an idea, however, baby could have it's own plans and not be ready to make an entrance that soon.
It is extremely hard to believe that the year anniversary of Beck's death is approaching. Even more shocking sometimes is what else is going on in our lives. I guess I never would have dreamt that we'd be expecting another baby within a month of Beckett's due date of October 17th. IT IN NO WAY is a replacement or even something that we expect to heal us. There is nothing that can take that pain of loosing Beck away. There is nothing that can fill the hole that is left in his absence. There is nothing that can take away those memories of my time with him. There is nothing that can erase the hell we lived through, especially around the day he was born. We will always grieve our little boy. We will always feel like we are missing something. BUT, I do believe there will be some hope restored. I believe we will feel the joy a child brings to your life. I know there will be struggles and heartache along with all the happiness. I can't even begin to start reading all the literature on parenting after a still birth or child loss. I know that brings it's own set of issues. BUT, we are thankful for a huge support system that will help us through our trials and celebrate the accomplishments.
BTW, Grace just came down to tell me Spike and Arthur, their only pets, died!!! Yesterday she overloaded them on food and I told her she would kill them if she fed them all of that food. I did not make the time to clean the tank after the "excessive feeding" yesterday as Grace and Holden both told me I should have done...now they are dead. Crap! I guess we will be having a burial tonight. I am sure I will be blamed for their deaths as well. Not good timing, given our circumstances (they still think it might have been something I did that caused Beck to die). Wish me luck!:)
We discussed the next months ahead and what my care will look like. Every two weeks with her from now until it goes to weekly. It was nice of her to offer weekly appointments but I declined for now. I will be seen weekly here coming up so I think I can live with that. We discussed delivery. Such a terrifying thought. My doctor recommends a amnio at 37 weeks, she think 36 is a little early. I explained that we certainly did not want our baby to be in the NICU. After all we have been through, in a perfect world, I imagine us being in the hospital room with our little bundle...everyone being able to hold him/her and for him/her to be able to come home with us. The thought of that just brings immediate tears to my eyes. Could we really be bringing this baby home with us? Can we allow ourselves to believe that without being completely crushed? I guess we will see where this takes us, but if we go with the 37 weeks (she did mention my mental stability-if I can hack 37-so it could still be negotiated at 36) we are looking at November 20th or the first part of Thanksgiving week. FYI to family-the Klinnert's would not be traveling anywhere for the Thanksgiving holiday:) Too much to think about yet but it is kind of nice to have an idea, however, baby could have it's own plans and not be ready to make an entrance that soon.
It is extremely hard to believe that the year anniversary of Beck's death is approaching. Even more shocking sometimes is what else is going on in our lives. I guess I never would have dreamt that we'd be expecting another baby within a month of Beckett's due date of October 17th. IT IN NO WAY is a replacement or even something that we expect to heal us. There is nothing that can take that pain of loosing Beck away. There is nothing that can fill the hole that is left in his absence. There is nothing that can take away those memories of my time with him. There is nothing that can erase the hell we lived through, especially around the day he was born. We will always grieve our little boy. We will always feel like we are missing something. BUT, I do believe there will be some hope restored. I believe we will feel the joy a child brings to your life. I know there will be struggles and heartache along with all the happiness. I can't even begin to start reading all the literature on parenting after a still birth or child loss. I know that brings it's own set of issues. BUT, we are thankful for a huge support system that will help us through our trials and celebrate the accomplishments.
BTW, Grace just came down to tell me Spike and Arthur, their only pets, died!!! Yesterday she overloaded them on food and I told her she would kill them if she fed them all of that food. I did not make the time to clean the tank after the "excessive feeding" yesterday as Grace and Holden both told me I should have done...now they are dead. Crap! I guess we will be having a burial tonight. I am sure I will be blamed for their deaths as well. Not good timing, given our circumstances (they still think it might have been something I did that caused Beck to die). Wish me luck!:)
Monday, September 14, 2009
We have HUGE news to announce! Saturday night Grace pooped on the potty!!! Woohoo...repeat action on Sunday. It was a glorious weekend. I can't even explain the joy and the triumph after 2 years of working on it. FINALLY! One might think it was a big battle but it was as easy as pie and something we have coaxed her with hundreds of times before. We were out for a nice family dinner. Grace felt the urge and I had nothing packed for her. I just said "Well, you could poop in the potty and then right after supper we can drive to Target and buy you a Webkin?" There was no reaction just the typical, look away and ignore me. Then about 2 minutes later she was like "Okay, I will do it but we will go right after and get a Webkin?" "Anyone you want!" She ran into the bathroom...sat down and within a minute or two we were out of there. Simple as that. No crying, no fighting, just huge smiles and a mom dancing in the bathroom of Mexican Village (craving Pollo Fundido). We bought the Webkin and we were one happy family! Then to top it off...the next day I was on the computer and I asked Grace if she was ready to leave with me. She said "Just a minute mom I have to go poop on the potty." I about fell off my chair!!! She did it again. We went to Target and she picked out a special toy. Then she started naming off all the other things she was going to get after each poop. I will go broke! I am willing to do this for a short while and then we need to come up with another plan. Right now I figure it is the co-pay to see the child psychologist:) I know this may not continue but we will fight hard to keep this our "new reality"!
We are approaching the 28th week! Yes, we have almost made it to the third trimester. As the time goes on more anxiety settles in. I know it is just the reality of the situation. I take time out of my day several times and count baby kicks. The baby has given me quite a few scares and kept me up worrying many nights. (I am sure this will be a theme). I try to be thankful for everyday the baby is with me. I appreciate every movement and kick. I don't take one for granted because I know it could be the last. Talk about living in the moment! I have come to the realization that no matter what the outcome is...if this baby does not make it, I will want to have as many moments with him/her as I can. If this baby makes it, it will feel like an absolute miracle. I pray (many, many times a day) that this baby stays healthy and makes it into our arms living and breathing.
We are approaching the 28th week! Yes, we have almost made it to the third trimester. As the time goes on more anxiety settles in. I know it is just the reality of the situation. I take time out of my day several times and count baby kicks. The baby has given me quite a few scares and kept me up worrying many nights. (I am sure this will be a theme). I try to be thankful for everyday the baby is with me. I appreciate every movement and kick. I don't take one for granted because I know it could be the last. Talk about living in the moment! I have come to the realization that no matter what the outcome is...if this baby does not make it, I will want to have as many moments with him/her as I can. If this baby makes it, it will feel like an absolute miracle. I pray (many, many times a day) that this baby stays healthy and makes it into our arms living and breathing.
Monday, September 7, 2009
An emotional week...
This week threw me a few curve balls. My emotions went whack! After the ultrasound, seeing the babies face so clearly...hearing the baby is in the 12% percentile...trying to clean out Beck's room for the newest addition...the mess strewn throughout the house...it all became a little too overwhelming. It has been a long time since I was in such a dark place. While organizing and purging I came across a story Holden wrote for school. It was called Beckett's Garden. I don't recall if I has seen it before. I think it was just tucked into end of the school papers. He illustrated it. It made me so sad, sad for him to lose his brother he wanted so badly, sad that the kid tries so hard to not let people forget that he has a brother. He is such a sweet and sensitive boy (well most of the time:). That sent me spiraling into what I felt was out of control. I can't even describe the unrest I felt and how it affected me physically. I felt like throwing a huge temper tantrum! Such a combination for things taking place at the same time and it can become overwhelming and come without warning.
My sweet husband came home to sit with me for a while. He even planned to cancel his afternoon of golf off to sit with me. For Cory, that is a big deal! I forced him to go out and enjoy the day with his friends. I just needed that reassuring hug at that moment...to calm me. I miss my baby boy tremendously. I want the baby I am carrying now to make it here...healthy. I want all four of our children with me. It is just a combustion of many emotions and thoughts...trying to sort them out and put them each in perspective but they are all so intertwined it makes it difficult.
I am grateful that I was able to pull myself out of my slump fairly reasonably in order to accomplish my goals of clearing out baby's room and "super" organizing the kids room. Not that it is going to last...each bin neatly labeled and every little toy put into a "specific bin"...no, it is too good to last, but I can hope:) Can you tell I am trying to gain control over something?:) The baby's room is cleared out! Ready for Cory to prep the walls for paint that two of my good friends have volunteered to paint after baby's arrival. And if this baby does not make it? Well, there is a blank slate for me to write angry messages all over the wall, maybe even a few holes:) We have never had a "gender specific" room so we are going to pick two colors and themes and see what we have and then take it from there. Everything except for the crib and dresser will be redone. I just can't have any of the "same" it is just too painful. Beckett's crib was not up when the tragedy happened so I do not connect him with the crib, but everything else will be different.
Grace and I went to have some "girl time" yesterday. She wanted to go to Target and look for some kind of miniature puppies (didn't I just donated 10 boxes of stuff to Goodwill?). We each got a snack and drink and took our time. She is just too adorable when she shops. She has many of rock and roll type shirts picked out. She grabbed one that had a vest attached and was so excited about it but they did not have her size. I found a Very similar one and she looked at me and crinkled up her nose and said "No Mom". I had a flash forward moment! We went to the baby section to pick up a few things. Grace chose everything pink, of course. BUT, I had a 1st with her...she said "but it could be a boy so we better wait. I'd like a boy too, mom. We just want it borned!" Hallelujah!!
When we got back from the store I went out to visit Cory who has been hard at work all weekend scraping and painting all the trim on the house. I told him of the things we bought for the baby. Funny, (well not really funny) thing is I don't really even believe that we will have a baby to hold. I took account of how much time we had to return items. I thought myself silly for even purchasing the things I did because are we really going to be able to use them? I think it is a defense mechanism as we get closer and closer. I can clearly remember getting to this point with Beckett. We were so excited...impatient...ready! We could possibly be at 10 weeks to go and counting! The fears are coming more fiercely. At those times I take a rest and wait for my baby to move. I talk to him/her. I push to find the little body and imagine holding it in my arms. That is comforting...enjoying the moment and trying not to focus on the outcome. A friend and I talked about that last night. She had her share of troubles and loss...and when her baby was finally given to her she couldn't believe it. It took a while to sink in that she was here and healthy! I believe I will have a similar experience. Until I see our baby and hold it, feel it breathing, I will not believe it.
My sweet husband came home to sit with me for a while. He even planned to cancel his afternoon of golf off to sit with me. For Cory, that is a big deal! I forced him to go out and enjoy the day with his friends. I just needed that reassuring hug at that moment...to calm me. I miss my baby boy tremendously. I want the baby I am carrying now to make it here...healthy. I want all four of our children with me. It is just a combustion of many emotions and thoughts...trying to sort them out and put them each in perspective but they are all so intertwined it makes it difficult.
I am grateful that I was able to pull myself out of my slump fairly reasonably in order to accomplish my goals of clearing out baby's room and "super" organizing the kids room. Not that it is going to last...each bin neatly labeled and every little toy put into a "specific bin"...no, it is too good to last, but I can hope:) Can you tell I am trying to gain control over something?:) The baby's room is cleared out! Ready for Cory to prep the walls for paint that two of my good friends have volunteered to paint after baby's arrival. And if this baby does not make it? Well, there is a blank slate for me to write angry messages all over the wall, maybe even a few holes:) We have never had a "gender specific" room so we are going to pick two colors and themes and see what we have and then take it from there. Everything except for the crib and dresser will be redone. I just can't have any of the "same" it is just too painful. Beckett's crib was not up when the tragedy happened so I do not connect him with the crib, but everything else will be different.
Grace and I went to have some "girl time" yesterday. She wanted to go to Target and look for some kind of miniature puppies (didn't I just donated 10 boxes of stuff to Goodwill?). We each got a snack and drink and took our time. She is just too adorable when she shops. She has many of rock and roll type shirts picked out. She grabbed one that had a vest attached and was so excited about it but they did not have her size. I found a Very similar one and she looked at me and crinkled up her nose and said "No Mom". I had a flash forward moment! We went to the baby section to pick up a few things. Grace chose everything pink, of course. BUT, I had a 1st with her...she said "but it could be a boy so we better wait. I'd like a boy too, mom. We just want it borned!" Hallelujah!!
When we got back from the store I went out to visit Cory who has been hard at work all weekend scraping and painting all the trim on the house. I told him of the things we bought for the baby. Funny, (well not really funny) thing is I don't really even believe that we will have a baby to hold. I took account of how much time we had to return items. I thought myself silly for even purchasing the things I did because are we really going to be able to use them? I think it is a defense mechanism as we get closer and closer. I can clearly remember getting to this point with Beckett. We were so excited...impatient...ready! We could possibly be at 10 weeks to go and counting! The fears are coming more fiercely. At those times I take a rest and wait for my baby to move. I talk to him/her. I push to find the little body and imagine holding it in my arms. That is comforting...enjoying the moment and trying not to focus on the outcome. A friend and I talked about that last night. She had her share of troubles and loss...and when her baby was finally given to her she couldn't believe it. It took a while to sink in that she was here and healthy! I believe I will have a similar experience. Until I see our baby and hold it, feel it breathing, I will not believe it.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
We got to see our baby again this afternoon! We got to see him/her's facial features really clearly. Ahh...so beautiful! I was amazed at the clarity and how we could see the features. I just wanted to reach out to the screen and give our baby a squeeze! Very similar features, in my opinion, to our boys. The anatomy all looked great. We did not see any "parts" to indicate a boy or girl. It gets a little harder for me each time to just say no! The baby is still measuring small:( I really thought we were going to hit an all time high at this ultrasound. The movements have gotten so strong, I can feel body parts through my stomach, you can see movements just by watching my stomach...I just thought we'd hear something different. We are at 12% today. We discussed the possibility that moving my date up a week would be an answer for the low percentage, but he does not feel that is what is happening here. He looked back on all ultrasounds and concluded that it was pretty accurate...with me conceiving mid-March. That is accurate. SO, the date stays. The good news is that the babies abdomen is measuring correctly and that if there was a growth restriction problem or the baby was not getting enough nutrients the stomach would be small (that is the first place they see a decline). So little bambino has not grown much but the doctor is not concerned. I asked, "Is the size of the baby something I should worry about?" He smirked and said, "No." I think everyone knows what route I will go:) Cory asked, sweetly, is there anything she can eat? Like ice cream to help it's growth?" The answer to that is no as well. A prescription for DQ and a script for personal trainer after birth...I like that idea!
So there is not much else I can do but take care of myself and pray. Pray that this baby makes it here healthy. I don't think we could handle another outcome like last time.
The plan from here on out is repeat ultrasounds...weekly if growth continues as is. Non-stress test beginning earlier than 32 weeks twice weekly. And possible early delivery if baby is not thriving in the womb. I don't know if that means earlier than discussed, but I hope this bodes well for us as long as it is in the best interest of this child. I am comfortable with the game plan. If things were going superb we may not be getting the extra care we are. Maybe that is part of God's plan to help keep me calm and feel safe.
So there is not much else I can do but take care of myself and pray. Pray that this baby makes it here healthy. I don't think we could handle another outcome like last time.
The plan from here on out is repeat ultrasounds...weekly if growth continues as is. Non-stress test beginning earlier than 32 weeks twice weekly. And possible early delivery if baby is not thriving in the womb. I don't know if that means earlier than discussed, but I hope this bodes well for us as long as it is in the best interest of this child. I am comfortable with the game plan. If things were going superb we may not be getting the extra care we are. Maybe that is part of God's plan to help keep me calm and feel safe.
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