I had another appointment yesterday. I was supposed to be seen by the nurse practitioner since my OB was on vacation, but they told me she came in to make room for a few patients and I was one of them. That was reassuring. So I saw my regular Dr., whom I must say I have grown a new affection for. She is just so good to us. She always takes her time to find out how I am doing emotionally and is very reassuring in covering the next steps. Heartbeat sounded great. This is the first appointment that it was easily found. Hmmm...does that mean it is getting bigger? My tummy is measuring right on. And I had the most clear urine of the day! Yeah for me:) I had a Coke before my appointment...not 6 cups of water. Coke gets the baby going and sometimes I need that to keep sanity.


We discussed the next months ahead and what my care will look like. Every two weeks with her from now until it goes to weekly. It was nice of her to offer weekly appointments but I declined for now. I will be seen weekly here coming up so I think I can live with that. We discussed delivery. Such a terrifying thought. My doctor recommends a amnio at 37 weeks, she think 36 is a little early. I explained that we certainly did not want our baby to be in the NICU. After all we have been through, in a perfect world, I imagine us being in the hospital room with our little bundle...everyone being able to hold him/her and for him/her to be able to come home with us. The thought of that just brings immediate tears to my eyes. Could we really be bringing this baby home with us? Can we allow ourselves to believe that without being completely crushed? I guess we will see where this takes us, but if we go with the 37 weeks (she did mention my mental stability-if I can hack 37-so it could still be negotiated at 36) we are looking at November 20th or the first part of Thanksgiving week. FYI to family-the Klinnert's would not be traveling anywhere for the Thanksgiving holiday:) Too much to think about yet but it is kind of nice to have an idea, however, baby could have it's own plans and not be ready to make an entrance that soon.


It is extremely hard to believe that the year anniversary of Beck's death is approaching. Even more shocking sometimes is what else is going on in our lives. I guess I never would have dreamt that we'd be expecting another baby within a month of Beckett's due date of October 17th. IT IN NO WAY is a replacement or even something that we expect to heal us. There is nothing that can take that pain of loosing Beck away. There is nothing that can fill the hole that is left in his absence. There is nothing that can take away those memories of my time with him. There is nothing that can erase the hell we lived through, especially around the day he was born. We will always grieve our little boy. We will always feel like we are missing something. BUT, I do believe there will be some hope restored. I believe we will feel the joy a child brings to your life. I know there will be struggles and heartache along with all the happiness. I can't even begin to start reading all the literature on parenting after a still birth or child loss. I know that brings it's own set of issues. BUT, we are thankful for a huge support system that will help us through our trials and celebrate the accomplishments.


BTW, Grace just came down to tell me Spike and Arthur, their only pets, died!!! Yesterday she overloaded them on food and I told her she would kill them if she fed them all of that food. I did not make the time to clean the tank after the "excessive feeding" yesterday as Grace and Holden both told me I should have done...now they are dead. Crap! I guess we will be having a burial tonight. I am sure I will be blamed for their deaths as well. Not good timing, given our circumstances (they still think it might have been something I did that caused Beck to die). Wish me luck!:)