An emotional week...

This week threw me a few curve balls. My emotions went whack! After the ultrasound, seeing the babies face so clearly...hearing the baby is in the 12% percentile...trying to clean out Beck's room for the newest addition...the mess strewn throughout the house...it all became a little too overwhelming. It has been a long time since I was in such a dark place. While organizing and purging I came across a story Holden wrote for school. It was called Beckett's Garden. I don't recall if I has seen it before. I think it was just tucked into end of the school papers. He illustrated it. It made me so sad, sad for him to lose his brother he wanted so badly, sad that the kid tries so hard to not let people forget that he has a brother. He is such a sweet and sensitive boy (well most of the time:). That sent me spiraling into what I felt was out of control. I can't even describe the unrest I felt and how it affected me physically. I felt like throwing a huge temper tantrum! Such a combination for things taking place at the same time and it can become overwhelming and come without warning.

My sweet husband came home to sit with me for a while. He even planned to cancel his afternoon of golf off to sit with me. For Cory, that is a big deal! I forced him to go out and enjoy the day with his friends. I just needed that reassuring hug at that moment...to calm me. I miss my baby boy tremendously. I want the baby I am carrying now to make it here...healthy. I want all four of our children with me. It is just a combustion of many emotions and thoughts...trying to sort them out and put them each in perspective but they are all so intertwined it makes it difficult.

I am grateful that I was able to pull myself out of my slump fairly reasonably in order to accomplish my goals of clearing out baby's room and "super" organizing the kids room. Not that it is going to last...each bin neatly labeled and every little toy put into a "specific bin"...no, it is too good to last, but I can hope:) Can you tell I am trying to gain control over something?:) The baby's room is cleared out! Ready for Cory to prep the walls for paint that two of my good friends have volunteered to paint after baby's arrival. And if this baby does not make it? Well, there is a blank slate for me to write angry messages all over the wall, maybe even a few holes:) We have never had a "gender specific" room so we are going to pick two colors and themes and see what we have and then take it from there. Everything except for the crib and dresser will be redone. I just can't have any of the "same" it is just too painful. Beckett's crib was not up when the tragedy happened so I do not connect him with the crib, but everything else will be different.

Grace and I went to have some "girl time" yesterday. She wanted to go to Target and look for some kind of miniature puppies (didn't I just donated 10 boxes of stuff to Goodwill?). We each got a snack and drink and took our time. She is just too adorable when she shops. She has many of rock and roll type shirts picked out. She grabbed one that had a vest attached and was so excited about it but they did not have her size. I found a Very similar one and she looked at me and crinkled up her nose and said "No Mom". I had a flash forward moment! We went to the baby section to pick up a few things. Grace chose everything pink, of course. BUT, I had a 1st with her...she said "but it could be a boy so we better wait. I'd like a boy too, mom. We just want it borned!" Hallelujah!!

When we got back from the store I went out to visit Cory who has been hard at work all weekend scraping and painting all the trim on the house. I told him of the things we bought for the baby. Funny, (well not really funny) thing is I don't really even believe that we will have a baby to hold. I took account of how much time we had to return items. I thought myself silly for even purchasing the things I did because are we really going to be able to use them? I think it is a defense mechanism as we get closer and closer. I can clearly remember getting to this point with Beckett. We were so excited...impatient...ready! We could possibly be at 10 weeks to go and counting! The fears are coming more fiercely. At those times I take a rest and wait for my baby to move. I talk to him/her. I push to find the little body and imagine holding it in my arms. That is comforting...enjoying the moment and trying not to focus on the outcome. A friend and I talked about that last night. She had her share of troubles and loss...and when her baby was finally given to her she couldn't believe it. It took a while to sink in that she was here and healthy! I believe I will have a similar experience. Until I see our baby and hold it, feel it breathing, I will not believe it.