To my forever baby Beckett,

You are in my thoughts all the time little buddy. I look at your pictures several times a day trying to memorize those features and how it felt to hold you in my arms. It was so hard to plant your face with kisses because I was trembling so bad. We waited so long for you to get here. We were all so excited to finally meet you and learn who this amazing little human being was and what he/she would become. We were SO close...so close to having you here with us. I just feel if we woudl have had one more test, if I would have been told to count your movements, if we would have gotten the care we are getting now...you just might be here today. I know you are safe where you are, but it doens't change the fact that I miss you everyday. I think of you all day. I walk around with a hole in my heart. Out of our tragedy in loosing you we have been blessed with another child. You will have a little brother or sister soon. Our hearts will NEVER get over the loss of you, but I feel a little more hopeful about the future. That was a gift from you. I wish you were here too, to share in the excitement with your brother and sister. I know that you have come to me recently, I have felt your presence. I am the one soupposed to be caring for you but I know you are there helping me make my way through this pregnancy. I want to ask that you be there with us when it is time to deliver your brother/sister. I need you to be with me and let me know it is all going to be alright. I need you to know there is not a single person in this enitre world who could ever take your place, if anything it will solidify your place in our family. It will be hard for me to hold this child and not think of you. It will be hard to not imagine you and all that you did not get to do. You never opened your eyes, we never heard your voice, you never took a breath...If there are any kind of strings you can pull for your mommy up in heaven...I pretty much depending on some healthy lungs for Baby K so we can meet him/her on Friday (preferably as early in the day as possible:) I love you Beckett and I so wish you were here...always.  Love , Mommy

To our unborn child,

Some day you will learn about your family. Someday you will learn that you should have two older brothers. Someday you will learn how your beautiful, precious life fits into the story of our family. We have struggled through one of the hardest years of our lives as a family. Learning we were expecting you on Easter day 2009 was a wonderful and intense day! I will never, ever forget the events leading up to finding out and seeing your daddies reaction. We were VERY surprised. We were VERY excited. We were VERY nervous and scared. You were watched pretty closely from very early on. There were countless times when I thought I'd lost you or would loose you (as I write this those are still really big fears). I have devoted so much time and attention to you as you grow...I just can't wait to shower that all on you when you arrive. You have given our family hope. You have given us all excitement. You have given us all an immense gift. Those are all things you can't and won't understand the gravity of until you are much older. I just want you to know that you are wanted, loved, and cherished. I feel so bonded to you both physically and spiritually. This is the only pregnancy that I have been aware and intent on each movement. Actually you are probably aware of that because all of the poking and proding you have been put through already. Holden and Grace love to touch your butt. They think it is so funny! You like to stick your butt out from time to time and they love to rub it. Matter of fact, you have stuck your butt up right at your mother's doctor. Very nice, I guess we might have to have the "what is appropriate and not appropriate" talks with you as well. I can't wait to meet you and have those conversations with you. I hope I get to. I cant wait to hold your face to mine and hear you little noses. I can't wait to examine every inch of your body. I can't wait to lay you on my chest and feel you breath. I can't wait to hear you cry. I can't wait to see your arms and legs stretch out. I can't wait to feed you. I can't wait to rock you. I can't wait to introduce you to everyone. I want you to know how much we love you and want that chance to raise you. You were never conceived as a "replacement". You are not hear to make us feel whole again. You are not here to take away our grief. You are not here for any other reason than the fact that we love you and want you. Keep working on those little lungs! We want to hear your scream loud and clear on Friday. We want to shower you in warmth and love. I can't wait to smooch those chunky cheeks (well they look chunky on the pictures). Love, Mommy

We have a very busy weekend to look forward to which is great because it helps getting me to next Thursday sooner. The more distractions the better at this point. Holden has 3 hockey games this weekend. We are heading to the Peter Pan play tonight with the kids. And, of course the Vikings play on Sunday. We also have a list of things to accomplish, mostly having to do with getting ready for the baby. I kind of hope to have the room somewhat together. I can't wait to find out which color scheme is going to be used. There are a lot of people guessing I am having a girl. I really don't know what to think...all I know is that I swallowed a basketball. And, I'd just like to put this on record for my grandmother Olga, who has had 12 children, guessed I was having a boy judging by my widening backside...well grandma lately several people have commented they didn't even notice I was pregnant! I am not saying I am not huge but maybe my butt isn't as wide as you led me to believe:) She has a pretty accurate track record, though, so I don't totally disregard her opinion!

We love the names we have picked out, but are still searching for a middle name for a girl. Their are so many people thinking it is a girl so we better make sure we have a solid name. It is so much fun not knowing what the gender is. If I didn't have that to look forward to I think I'd have a tougher time getting to the delivery. I am so curious...

I have to share a cute Grace story. There are many but this one needs to be put into a scrapbook one day (this blog will be great for that). We are having the babies pictures taken by Rialee Photography. Look her up and see her beautiful work http://www.rialeephotography.com/ She was the same photographer that came and took pictures of us with Beckett and went above and beyond anything we would have hoped for. She was supposed to photograph him alive but was brave enough to take on a different type of photo session. Well, we hope to have a little boy or girl to photograph very soon after delivery. Anyhow...Grace needed something to wear for pictures and after about 2 months of looking and Interent shopping I found something that is perfect and she loves it, we just needed to go purchase it. I dressed her up in black tights, black knee high boots, a sparkly Hannah Montana shirt and a jean jacket to head out for a little shopping. She looked pretty darn cute:) She really thought she was Hannah Montana for a day! When we were walking out the door she came back in to grab a pen "just in case someone wants my autograph. Mom where should I sign it for people on their arm or something?" She was strutting her stuff, but unfortunately no one had mistaken her for Hannah Montana. She got in the house and said, "Well I guess no one wanted my autograph." I told her I'd like it and I got the 14 year old eye roll and "MOM!" She is growing up tooooo fast.

I hope everyone has a great weekend and if you can sneak in a few prayer for healthy lungs that would be super:) By the way, I can't find the check spelling icon anymore so I apologize!