To my little Beckett,

Hey little buddy! Mommy thought about you almost every minute today. It was 3 weeks today when mommy and daddy walked into the hospital to deliver you. When I think back I can't believe that we actually did that. I can't believe we had the strength to do that. Walking into the hospital scared out of our minds, we didn't want to have to say hello and goodbye to you. It still seems so unfair that you were taken from us. It hurts us so much to not have you with us.

I could not sleep again last night. Well technically, just in the early morning. I feel like that is our alone time. Your mommy likes to sleep on my left side which would just happen to be where your bassinet would have been. Ironically, it is also the direction of your grave site, just two blocks away. So I lay and imagine you and what you are doing in heaven. Where do you sleep? Do you sleep? Are you a baby boy? Or are you able to run and play? Are you sitting there with Grandpa and Grandma Oster? Grandpa Laugen? I just wonder what it is like for you and who cares for you. It is so hard to not know, but we just need to trust and believe in our faith. It is a struggle now, especially when I am questioning everything and trying to come up with a version that I can be comforted by. I just have to believe those things will come to us over time.

I love you my sweet angel boy and I long to hold you and rock you. I so desperately want to know that you know about us and that you smile on us. I wonder if you miss people when you are just a little baby in heaven. We sure miss you! I want you to know that mommy keeps a picture of you close to my heart. I hold you all the time.

All my love to you my baby boy,

Mommy