Today was a pretty good day. I am thankful for the times when I feel my heart at peace. I find that the mornings are the hardest time for me. My mom said it is because you know you need to start a new day. My days for 6 years have always began with my kids, maybe that is why. I know I have another little child who is waking in the arms of Jesus and not mine. That is a hard pill to swallow. Even though I know there is no better place and it is the place where we all want to be...I don't know even how to finish that.

Sunday we decided to go to church. I knew that it was probably too soon, but I knew I could walk out if it was necessary. More importantly I was waiting for something...to feel God's arms wrap around us...I didn't feel what I was hoping to feel-I guess I just have so many unanswered questions and it is too soon in this process to feel that. I know there are some people that can't understand my feelings but I also know there are others that have felt the same way and are feeling the same way. I do know that in time I will feel what God wants me to feel. My anger will turn to peace. Although my questions and hurts may never go away, I will feel him pick us up and move us forward.

Although, it did not help that we sat in plain view of a beautiful, baby boy just born 4 weeks earlier. I tried not to look, but I kind of wanted to look. His sweet innocent eyes, looking at the big church. And then it hit me. I never looked at Beckett's eyes. I also then felt for other mother's who have lost their babies much earlier than I. Although it hurts to know I did not examine every inch of him...I got to hold him, have a picture with him, and mother him for such a short while. Their are lots of other families that never got that experience and for that I am so thankful and my heart aches for those other women.