I had a handful of wonderful friends who stopped by yesterday, unannounced~they are welcomed surprises. I am so grateful that I have all these people looking out for us. Friends that are not afraid of us. I am not saying that I know people are afraid of us, but there are definately people that are uncomfortable and not sure how to act. I can tell you from previous expereince...I was that person. I always thought I'd be bugging someone, I am not a person they'd want to hear from, they need alone time, I don't want to intrude...there were a lot of reasons to be hesitant, but I have learned through this-it is simple things that can get a person through a really hard day. A quick e-mail, a card, stopping by with a magazine, or a visit. It is so appreciated. I know for a fact that if I did not have these people in my (our) life...I'd be in an even darker place right now!

This is my first experience with death of someone very close to me. It happened to be our child. I was always so uncomfortable with it. I still will be, but at least I will have a little insight into what someone might need to keep going. I am thankful for that knowledge.

Last night Holden had his first hockey practice, I know we never wanted to be involved with hockey! Nontheless, there we were. I was so proud of him...he tried so hard, he fell a million times and got up fast and keep going. We were not sure of what he'd say after getting off the ice (he has never really ice skated much-especially not with all the pads!). He loved it! He was the sweatiest I'd ever seen him. I was not sure what to expect at the rink, there were a lot of people, a lot of familiar faces-but oh boy, I was completely wiped out! I started to get real panicky, I wnated to get out of there! When I got home...I had to release it. I went up to our closet and just let it out. It was too much! Too many people! Too much normal! I don't really understand why I was so agitated. Gosh, I hope i am not going off the deep end:) I am going to guess that it was all too much too soon.

That is the part that is difficult to deal with as a mom who is very active in their child's lives. I want to be there for as much as I can. Supporting them, seeing them succeed, giving pep talks when there are disappointments, playing with them...it is really hard to be there when you are struggling with just needing to be alone with your grief. That is a daily struggle and something that I feel immensely guilty for. This morning they both crawled into our bed for cuddles. As I had my arms around both Holden and Grace I felt so grateful and so much love for them, but I was also thinking Beckett should be here too. I just feel so guilty about not being able to just be in that moment and appreciate it without being angry. I hope these feelings are all normal.

Today will be my second morning alone as Grace goes to preschool. These days are pretty tough for me as I know that this was my planned "baby" time. This was going to be mommy and baby time to just cuddle and sleep together. Now these days will be without him physically but thinking about him...wondering about him...wondering about his journey without us.