All cried out...

Last night we decided to attend a candle light service held in our community to remember all babies that have died. Wow! Did we pour out the tears. The music was beautiful. Parents shared stories or poems written for their little ones. One dad got up and spoke, he lost his son at 6 months old due to severe prematurity, he was one of five babies growing inside his wife. The four surviving children are actually in the same grade as Holden, in the same school. One of them is his friend, now they have another connection.

The father said that he was not going to tell us he know how we feel because he doesn't. We've each taken our own journey and have our own unique stories. What we all do have in common is that we can understand the pain and the emptiness parents and families feel when they have lost a baby. That is so true. It was good to see that we are not alone (that is something we knew, but you still feel different from everyone else). It was also sad to see that so many other families have faced these tragedies. It is just so unnatural for your child to leave this world before you do. It also scared me a little, but also comforted me to see that even after years have passed the pain is still so evident.

It scares me because it is really hard to face each day without your baby. It is just so painful. I have a really hard time thinking about where his body lies. That is really a struggle for me. I feel an overwhelming sense that I still need to protect him and keep him warm. The body is just a body, but it is really hard to separate that from the spirit when the body is all you have known. There are times when I just want to crawl out of my skin and jump into a new one to feel good again. To feel alive. To feel like myself again. It scares me not to know how this new Holly is going to be. I just have to believe that I will return a better, stronger person.

It comforted me to see some families, look peaceful, happy...picking up and moving forward but never forgetting that child that left such a strong mark. It was good to see some moms pregnant again after all the tragedy (some had lost several babies). It gives me hope that although our family will never be the same without Beckett in our lives (we will always dream and wonder what might have been), he will be there in spirit and one day we will be able to pick up our shattered hearts and glue them together and enjoy what we have while we are here on earth but ALWAYS remembering Beckett and the joy he brought all of us.

He made us laugh even though he was in my tummy. He did funny little tricks. He moved wildly when the kids would talk to him or sing him songs. He always got the hiccups after I chewed a glass of ice. He would shiver in my tummy. He'd keep me up in the middle of the night trying to get comfy. I was pretty nauseated for the first four months. I was sick all day long and I was miserable. I remember telling my sister, "I can't wait to meet the little bugger who was making me so sick". I jokingly said, this little girl or boy better be darn cute so I forget all this. He met every expectation! I fell in love with his sweet little face. I can't stop staring at him and envisioning him. I would do it all over again and again and again despite the outcome, just to be close to him once again, just to get to be his mommy.

I thought I could cry no more after last night, at least for one day...wrong again! Then something seems to always happen...a dear friend of mine just rang the doorbell and had a Starbucks for me! As one of my aunts said, that is God's work sending people to us (well, me in this case). I needed that!