I will start with a funny kid story, try to lift the mood a little. Grace has been yelling for me to come as quickly as I can for the last week now to view something that has been advertised on television. She wants EVERYTHING! Her list for Christmas is longer than I am tall. (She also yells for me to see things she thinks Holden would like too.) This is starting to get a little annoying to say the least. This morning as we were having breakfast together she used her frantic voice to get my attention to see something she wanted. "I want that, mom. I want that, mom" and then she said "Oh, I already have that, but I still want that." In the midst of my silent crying she made me crack up.

Two new little kids from down the street came to play after school yesterday, I have never heard of them or seen them before but they seemed like nice kids. Holden knew them. When they asked if they could come in I said for just a little while and Holden said, "Don't worry mom they know what happened to our baby. They know he died." Then the conversation continued with a million questions, How did he die? Are you sad, Is he in a grave yard? What grave yard? They are just kids but they are so blunt. I just wanted to run away and scream. (I'd also like to scream because the 6 year old told me he was home alone, his grandma was watching him but she left...let's just hope that was not true).

Holden and I had a little "alone" time last night. I asked him about how he is feeling about Beckett and what happened. He said he didn't know. It makes him really sad. He said he thinks about him a lot. We shared such a great moment together. He is such a kind and sweet soul. I know the heavens are better than here on earth, but Beckett sure is missing out on a great brother down here.

This tragedy has shaken us all so badly. We are going to get some family grief counselor to try and help us wrap our minds around this reality of our life now. I still don't want to accept it, I am still angry, I think about Beckett all the time, I fantasize about holding him and doing all those things a mommy does for their baby. I want Beckett...

Well, it is cowboy day at Little Lights, Grace's preschool, I must get her all dressed up. She has quite the get-up. I can't believe I actually have pink cowboy boots and a pink suede cowgirl hat to match!