This morning was tough one. I completed a letter I was writing to the hospital where we gave birth to Beckett. The doctor we had was VERY professional. By that, I mean she did not show us much compassion. She was not mean, but we got less than fuzzy feelings about her. Anyway, I retold our story of those first few hours after learning about our baby Beckett. It brought back so many feelings. It makes me sad that when I think of Beckett I think of all the pain in our hearts. We have no memories of him outside my womb that are not full of sorrow and pain.

Maybe that is why I am sad all of the time. When I remember him I only have heartache, and I think about him all day long. There is literally not a minute that goes by that I do not think about him. When I am doing laundry, I think about him. When I am unloading the dishwasher, I am thinking about him. When I walk up our stairs, I think about him. When I am playing with my kids, I am thinking about him. Maybe that is my way of letting him know I am caring for him and trying to protect his memory. I hope my kids can't tell or won't remember that I was an emotionally absent mother for a period in their lives. It feels so unfair to them. I feel so guilty about it, but I can't help it. I can only hope that as time passes I will be able to be fully present for them. That also scares me too because then where does Beckett fit in? How do you keep his memory alive without feeling sorrowful when you never got to make any memories? There are no answers, only hope, I guess.

Anyway, I hope to add some more pictures of Beckett soon. So you'll have to check in to see. Thank you to everyone who continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers, we still need them!