My youngest sister Mandie and her little one Julia came to spend the weekend with us. Having the comfort of ones family is so good. We got out for a little shopping. We picked out a memory box to keep all of Beckett's stuff in. While we were sitting at the table, her organizing his belongings and I writing thank you cards...it felt so awful. We should be sitting around holding him-organizing pictures of him-sending out birth announcements-laughing. Instead we were trying to get everything in order and thanking people for helping us in our time of need.

Today we decided to tackle the job of reorganizing the baby room. Nothing feels right! All the work I did to prepare that room for a baby is now back to being the kids play room. Everything I moved out, we moved back in. It is so unfair. How quickly life can steer you in another direction. We were on such a high. The long wait was almost over. We had envisioned the upcoming holidays with a baby. The spring time. How our summer would be a little different with a baby. You plan so far ahead for what your life will be like and in a matter of hours it is all taken from you and you are left to deal. No answers...You really don't know what to do with yourself. It doesn't feel comfortable to be doing anything other than caring for your baby right now.

Someone wrote in a card that Beckett will be all around us. We should look for him in the first snowfall. Well, today was the first snowfall here in Moorhead. I had envisioned the first snowfall and thinking of him. It would be dark and the big flakes would fall slowly and glisten. We would all be standing together holding our hands out to catch them. Holden and Grace with their tongues out. Instead the wind is whipping the snow horizontally. It is wet and cold. When I think about it is pretty ironic. They way you imagine and plan things and the way they turn out sometimes. How beautiful it can all be and then how ugly things can get. It is just how life works and sometimes it just isn't fair.

I just want to tell everyone thank you for reading the blog...sharing it with other people. I know there are readers out there that I never would have guessed would be tuning in. That is very comforting. I want everyone to know about our little Beckett and how special he is to us.