As I was doing a little grocery shopping at Wally World, Sorry to all of you Walmart lovers, but I just don't like it! So I was in a little bit of a bad mood...I didn't want to be there but I needed to buy black hair paint and to save a trip to the grocery store I thought I'd get it all done in one shot. I was just waiting for someone to ask if something was wrong or tell me to cheer up and then I'd let them have it. I feel so bad for secretly, well now publicly, wanting just to yell at some unsuspecting stranger. That is so cruel. The good news is, I would only say those things in my head. Big talker, no action. It just feels good to think it.
I can't control my mind sometimes, I see baby toys, Christmas stuff, baby stuff...I still get so angry (a lot of swear words run through my mind). I feel so hurt and so robbed. It is like someone came and just took something very special that was ours and it's not fair, I know I'll never get it back and I am mad. I want to throw a temper tantrum. I want to chase after whoever did this and get it back.
I know Jesus has Beckett. I know he will allow me to throw a few temper tantrums and get away with it, like we let our own kids do sometimes. I am trying so hard to come to terms with the fact that this is how my life is now, our life. It is like it was before. I was planning and preparing for the changes we would have in our family. I wanted those... no matter how tough, crazy, tired our lives would be. I want my Beckett. I want my little boy. I secretly and then sometimes not so secretly wished for a little boy. I love my little girl like crazy and I would gladly take 2 but I wanted a little guy. I got him.
It is a beautiful day today, we are supposed to top out at 70 degrees. As I was driving home I looked over to Beckett's grave site and I had to go to him. I visited him alone today. I cleared all the leaves away. I sobbed for our little boy. I have to find something to mark his grave before it is covered with snow and I can't find his when I drive by. I wonder why I torture myself sometimes. Why do I purposely take that route? Why do I always glance over whenever I go somewhere?
1 comment:
I read what you write pretty much daily. I have always wanted to write something but never really knew what to say. Today really isn't any different. But I wanted you to know that I am listening. That what you are saying does count, it does matter, and while it may be therapeutic for you - you have no idea how your words have impacted me and my life. Because you opened your heart to us, I really believe I am a better mother. I take less for granted every day. I give that extra kiss and hug at bedtime. I stop in the middle of dishes to play with my children and just "be in the moment". The loss of your son is like nothing I could ever come close to understanding or sympathizing with - but if nothing else, I wanted you to know that your strength through this is so honorable. Your willingness to open such a personal part of your life with us has made a positive difference in others. We pray for you daily and pray that you will find peace in your hearts. A family with as much strength, love and devotion to one another deserves nothing less...
Melanie & Waylon Loeb
Post a Comment