I just want to thank my friend for your e-mail this morning. I really needed it! Thank you for stopping your run (I was probably laying in bed wishing for a doughnut) to pray for us. It means a lot, it really does.

Well I started to exercise a little last night. I need to shed these final pounds so I can fit in my old pants! I very much dislike this in-between stage. Someone should design jeans for after pregnancy that are cute and trendy. Exercise is really good for the mind. I need to push myself to keep it up for better mental health. I only have a little over 2 weeks until my next surgery and I can't exercise after that one for a while. So I am laying out all my excuses why I am keeping 10 lbs on me!:)

Last night I thought about my little Beckett a lot. I feel like as the time has passed it feels like what we went through was more like a dream than a reality. It feels like so long ago since we held him and kissed him. I feel like he is so much farther away from me these days. I can't remember what he felt like in my arms. Those will be the hard things as time passes. I try holding Grace a certain way to see if I can feel it but she is a bit heavy:)

I miss my little boy. I miss him in my tummy. I wish I could have that all back for a little bit. Just to experience him again. I would really take as many moments in as I could this time. If I had know the outcome, i would have cherished the whole process more. Towards the end I was so focused on the date he was to come out, not the miracle of it all. I guess that is the downfall of it being a third pregnancy, it is exciting but you know the outcome and how beautiful that is.

I wish I would have another moment with him. I know that can't happen the way I'd like it to happen, but I wish he would come to me and I would know it was him. I need some reassurance that everything is okay for him and that we will be okay (well, me at least). He came to me once before, I was on some pain killers, but I truly believe he spoke to me. I guess he was "advanced" for his age.