Well we are back. We had a great weekend. The shopping was good, although nothing fits quite yet. It was fun to just look around and buy a few things here and there. The Vikings game was fun. I think it is a little easier to watch it on the television. I had a hard time tracking the ball. And there were 2 ladies sitting in front of us that were a little distracting...good people watching at the dome. It was good to getaway for a little while.
I kind of thought maybe if I'd get out of town, out of my house...I could feel a little like my old self again. It all follows you...I feel like there is a ceiling to the amount of any emotion that I can feel, and I do not like that feeling. I don't know myself anymore. I need to redefine who I am and that is not easy. I know my life will never be the same. I will always have a piece of me missing. At least, that is how I feel now. Everything just seems so pointless, unmeaningful. I feel like I lost my fire...my spunk. It is not that I feel guilty if I have a really good laugh or enjoy myself. It is just like there is a ceiling to what I can feel in any moment. I don't feel safe anywhere. My world just does not feel safe, it feels uncomfortable and foreign sometimes.
Well, I need to help my little munchkin. Maybe I will write more later.
1 comment:
Holly,
it has been a while since I've left anything on here...I just want to thank you again for letting us all in on your daily emotions, feelings and growth. I've been told by family and friends who has also gone through the loss of a child, that you are never the same again, that you do change...but it is always a change that is good. More weathered, but good. We all love your spunk...and even though you can't see it know, I've seen glimpses of it in your writing. Times can seem to stand still, but i've also heard that times heals.
You are so very loved, hang in there.
Love,
Leah
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