Dear Beckett,

Hey little buddy, mommy has been thinking about you a lot today. I think about how big you would be already. I think about how great it would feel to hold you in my arms and to feel your warmth. I had such big plans for us, little guy. I guess God's plans are bigger and better. It is hard to believe that it has been almost 5 weeks since mommy gave birth to you. It feels like forever ago! How fast time goes, but so slow as well. Some days seem to drag on forever and I can't wait to go to sleep...I am just exhausted from the emotions I feel each day. I can remember when Holden and Grace were little babies and the days were like that. The days went so fast, I never seemed to get anything accomplished and then I couldn't wait to go to sleep, even if I'd have to wake up every 2 hour to feed them.

That is kind of how it is now, but you are just not here. I take care of you in my mind by thinking of you and wondering what you are doing in heaven. Trying to do everyday tasks can be so daunting. It is like I can stare at it on my to do list but not know how to start it. It seems too big a task sometimes.

I want to care for you so badly. I never wanted to give you up. I still don't want to give you up. I look at your little face in pictures and I hold it close to my heart. How could a mother and father ever want to give up a face like that? You are such a mixture of your two siblings. When I look at them when they are sleeping, I see your resemblance. It makes me so happy to be able to see you in them. It also makes me so sad because I know the joys they bring to our life and I imagine the joy you would (and did) bring to our life.

I love you little pumpkin. Today I send you hugs and kisses to heaven-catch them!

Love,
Mommy

Grace also wanted to write you a little note:

Dear Beckett,
i love you beckett's up in heaven beckett cory is buried beckett cory loves me
love, grace

She typed that...I think it sweet. I need to remember that she needs to work through this too; although it is too abstract for her to totally understand.