We are back!

Well we are back...I can't believe this cold weather! We had absolutely gorgeous weather. The sunshine and warmth was such a beautiful thing. We had no plans, no expectation, therefore...NO STRESS! Except I got yelled at for going 3 feet off the path on the mountain! I hate when I get caught not following rules. We had a wonderful time together. We hiked a mountain, had the BEST! BEST! crab cakes ever, went to the local casino, sat by the pool and read, visited a couple of malls (Cory is a blast to shop with!) I did miss my sister and girlfriends for that portion of the trip, for sure! We really enjoyed the "break" from everyday life. I wasn't angry during my time there. I am not sure why that was different, but it was a welcomed break.

I definitely missed blogging and stopped myself from doing it. I wanted to try and give my mind and body a break. I wanted to be a wife, fully present for my husband for a few days. At times it was difficult and others it was easy. I felt guilty for sneaking in a couple of nights of crying myself to sleep. I wasn't angry with those cries. I was just simply sad...and I missed my kids. Being in another place was both wonderful and scary. I always wondered how it would feel to be away from Beckett's resting place. I realized that I could still feel him even being thousands of miles away. I was also scared at times, you realize how big the world is and it made me feel so far away from him as well. I asked myself where is heaven? This world is so gigantic...where is he? I have always been better with the concrete than the abstract...so although I know my faith..I still wonder.

I had a truly joyous moment...that was the moment I saw our car pull up and the kids big, cheeky smiles looking at us. They were so excited to see us and we could not wait to see them! It was a great reunion. In the back of my head, I kept thinking, I am missing one. I was able to push that out and enjoy talking to them and catching up with all the fun things they did while we were gone. They certainly did not miss us too much! They got to bake bread with grandma, go to 2 movies, eat lunch at Ella's school, and so much more! THANKS Sherri and Bill! (Mom and Mandie, too).

On the car ride home I was hit with an unexpected wave of grief. I just could not stop crying. I wanted to scream, throw something. I miss him so terribly and it still feels so unfair that our little buddy is not with us. I would reach back and rub Grace's little bare toes and feel so hurt that I will never get to rub little Beckett's feet. I'd look back at their sweet little faces and realized that I will never know any other face than Beckett's little baby face. I feel like I am releasing some pent up grief from trying to let it go for a few days. I have not stopped crying, or being on the verge of crying, for about 3 1/2 hours. Although grieving is so exhausting...it is also cleansing. Our hearts are still broken but we do have hope that someday we will be able to put it back together and place Beckett there with peacefulness.

I miss you my little buddy. These tears are all for you!