19 weeks and 3 days today. I hope and pray the little nubin is growing inside me. I am getting really anxious for the ultrasound in 3 weeks! Really? I know...I just need to hear baby is growing and is at the 20th percentile or something close. I have really struggled with my anxieties of baby dying this last week. The little kicks are far and few between...although I can't even express the calm that comes over me when I feel them. I am elated and so in love with this baby. Then there are all the other times when I can't feel him/her and I detach myself. I don't want to get my hopes up for them just to be deflated. This is really agonizing. I knew it would be hard. I knew I'd be a whack job. But, I did not know how much energy this would zap from me or how worried I'd be all the time. People always tell me it will be just fine. It won't happen again. Just let all the fear go. Just enjoy the pregnancy. While those are great words to live by it is not possible when you know the harsh reality.

What may be surprising to some people is that I do enjoy this pregnancy in an odd sort of way. It helps me remember Beckett more vividly and those 9 months we had together. I am very grateful and in awe of what a miracle and gift being pregnant really is. I don't take this pregnancy for granted for one second. It has helped me look at little babies now without hurt or feeling sorry for myself because I have one growing inside of me. Feeling the baby move is just an amazing experience...something that can feel old hat when you've been through it a few times. Sure, it was always cool but I've never felt like this about it. I feel Beckett's presence more than ever...especially when I am struggling. So, I am enjoying the pieces of it that I can.

We had a great weekend with some friends this past weekend. We spent some time at the lake. The kids just love it! I miss living by one. I didn't really know it then, but what a treat for us to live on the lake during the summer. Lots of great memories at our cabin...and some freaky ones too!:) Spending the weekend at the lake gets me really excited for our annual trip to Cragun's resort in Brainerd, MN. We leave on the 30th of July for 4 nights. This is something the kids talk about all year round. They just love it there and we have made some great memories. I love to see the kids faces so full of excitement to be at the beach...everyday! I thought this year I'd have a little baby to keep from eating the sand and to swish tiny toes in the lake. I am sure little Beck will make a visit to us and hang out at the beach...giggling. I sure miss him and all that should have been. He is safe and living in great splendor everyday...I shouldn't complain about that.