Holden and I, along with the cousins & Bill and Sherri, went to see Marley and Me. It was a good movie and I probably would have loved it under different pretenses. In the movie it was a dog that lost it's life. However, it made me think of Beck so much and I know Holden was thinking the same thing. Holden was very sad afterwards. He knew what was going to happen before we decided to go and he was sure he'd be okay. I really feel so sorry for my little guy that he needs to go through all this pain. It feels so unfair that they are so young and need to learn a hard fact of life~no warnings. It is very difficult to explain when you have no answers. We happened to watch a show and some kids dad died. It was then that it kind of hit them that maybe mom and dad could die too. I find it hard to be reassuring when we know the truth all too well. Grace has become obsessed with death and dying. Everyday she talks about it, several times. She does not necessarily talk about Beckett...but the stories I hear her have with her dolls and figurines...someone always dies. I am not sure if this is something I should interrupt and talk to her about~she is very nonchalant. Yesterday she was singing "Our baby is dead, our baby is dead." She did not sing it in a tune of sadness. I don't know...maybe that is just her way of working through it.

We have been talking more about trying to have another baby. The thought excites me but I'd love to have a guarantee that everything would be alright. I know that is not possible and that every pregnancy comes with risks~but it is just all too real for me. I put my baby in the ground and that has my confidence down. Sometimes I think that if I am not confident then I am not ready, but I think I am justified in my feelings and I am not so sure that I would ever feel confident again. It will be a hard 10 months of waiting. There have recently, in our area, been so many precious babies that have died and that scares the crap out of me. What if our baby made it to the finish line and then we got the rug pulled out under us? I also think Grace would drive me nearly insane with her comments. I can totally picture her talking about the baby dying and if we will have to bury this baby in the grass. I wonder if I can muster up the strength to push those fears aside and hope for the best. There is supposedly a machine that you can get that monitors your baby while you sleep and the feeds are sent to a doctor who monitors them for any issues that might arise. My sister told me about it and it would be something for us to consider. Could you imagine? The fear and the reassurance all balled up into one? Ugh...ignorance was so blissful!