There is something I have not written about yet...something that I came upon at Christmas.To me it was rather shocking-to be honest it still is. I was sitting around and my brother-in-law had his iPhone sitting there...very tempting to play with! He has a beautiful picture of his 3 kids on the background so I decided to scroll through his pictures...not really thinking this was an invasion of privacy! Duh!! No...I did not find pictures I should not have seen...but there were photos of a baby who did not look alive. I stared at it...stared at it...I thought to myself "That baby does not look alive...whose baby were they taking pictures of?" It was then that I focused on the hat and I realized that was Beckett. It took about a good 10 seconds to realize that was our baby! That was our little boy. He looked different that the little boy I held on. I was in utter shock and when I had realized it was our baby, I quickly exited the pictures. But of course, I needed to look. I needed to do a little more examination. I was stunned...don't even know how else to describe it. I walked into the bedroom a little like a zombie...I was so confused, a little irritated (not at you guys!), and just speechless.

I was not scared. He did not look bad. He was just different than the picture in my head and the pictures on our walls. The fluid that he had retained from dying in the womb was gone. His puffy eyes were gone. He looked like Grace. He had the petite features she had as a baby. It was hard to see a picture of him that I had never seen...maybe I needed to see it for the healing to begin. I will tell you what, that is a moment I will NEVER forget. When you think you have seen it all...Sherri had told me that she took pictures of him for us before he was buried-so it was not like I did not know they were out there, I just forgot.

I thought of it today and I think it has to do with me starting to accept his death.