One year...

I can't believe it has been one year since that devastating day. I really can't. Beckett was born at 7:35pm on October 4th, 2008. He was 7lbs, 8oz and 20 1/2 inches long. He had lots of dark brown hair. He was a beautiful little boy, whom I miss tremendously. My arms feel very empty today as I think of him. He would be one year old. Just starting to walk, maybe babble words, and making us laugh (probably even driving us a little crazy keeping him out of trouble). It hurts to think of all that we have missed and will miss in the future. It hurts to know my kids will never get to know their brother. This has been a hard year. Grieving is an ongoing process that does not follow a pattern. It can be frustrating, comforting, and leave you emotionally drained. Our little boy is in heaven, that much we know but all the unanswered questions are the hardest to contend with. Why...what is heaven like...was he scared on his journey to get to Jesus...does he see us...does he miss us...does he know how much we love him and are torn up over loosing him? We will not ever get those answers here on earth. You know how your child gets home from school or a friends house and you want some details about what they did, who they played with, what was exciting about their day? We don't get any answers. We just get to try and envision and trust. He is gone and their is no one to fill us in.

I had trouble sleeping this weekend...thoughts and visions of Beckett overtaking my mind, while a little one squirmed inside me. I woke before 5am today. I remember back to those first months waking so very early (like this weekend) crying. Not wanting to start another day without him. Trying to breath in the scent of him through his blanket. The day started easier than it did last October but the emptiness and heartache still very fresh and present. I could not attend church today. I am still angry. Today would have not been a good day to put myself through a service or socializing. Cory and my mom took the kids instead. Afterwards we went to visit Beck's grave...we brought fresh flowers and a fall arrangement. We released blue balloons with messages written on them for Beckett. The sun peeked out for a mere minute. Just enough to kiss our cheeks. We watched the balloons fly away through tears of sorrow. The kids certainly helped lighten the mood.

After my sister and mom left I laid down to rest. I got out Beckett's box and looked through it. I took the outfit he wore and tried to take in any lingering scent. I held his blanket in my arms. I read him a book that my sister read to him before his burial. I took out his hand and foot molds and traced them. I lit his candle. I sifted through the hundreds of cards and letters. I cried. I packed it up and wiped the tears. I hope he can feel all the pain in my heart which is just love for him. Our little boy...

I want to thank EVERYONE for the gifts, flowers, cards and e-mails remembering us this day. It is so thoughtful and means so much to all of us. A dear friend of mine also ran her first full marathon today in Minneapolis. Yeah for her! She dedicated her last 1.2 miles to the memory of Beckett. She has his name and date of birth/death on a t-shirt she wore. We were very honored that she chose him to get her through that last grueling stretch. She did it! Congrats...now a break from running so we can hang out!:)

Although this day is tremendously hard but not much different from everyday...it is a beautiful feeling to feel the newest addition to our family roll around and kick me. There is life after death. Through all this sadness and heartache a beautiful blessing grows inside me. We hope that in 47 days we will get to meet this sweet little baby. We love baby K so very much...we are looking forward to the future and what this child will bring to our family and families if we are so fortunate.

Thanks for all the support and prayers...