Wednesday...last year

As I go throughout this week certain things stick out in my mind. This is the week I looked back on after Beck's death and wondered...what did I do that stopped his tiny heart? I have tried and have been successful for the most part of keeping those guilty feelings that I did something to cause this at bay. I could not ever bear the thought that it was something I did or a certain activity that compromised his fragile life, therefore because I can't deal with the pain of that I have tried to avoid it, but every once in a while it 'pops' up.

Wednesday of last year...I had a visit with my OB. Grace was with me. Just a tummy check. Heartbeat was strong. Everything was good. We discussed delivery and all of that stuff, including tubal litigation. Everything was ship shape, perfect!

I spent the night out with one of my dearest girlfriends. We didn't golf because either I was getting too large or the weather was not cooperating. I remember we went to Gymboree to spend our Gymbucks. I remember looking for things for the baby but not knowing gender puts a damper on most of that shopping. I considered purchasing Christmas outfits for Holden and Grace and then I'd pick up a matching one for baby after we found out boy or girl. I did buy one item for the baby that night and it was the sweetest knit pumpkin hat. I thought it would be perfect for Halloween. Little did I know Beckett would be buried in that hat just 6 days later. We also went to a movie that night and I over did it on the popcorn (with butter, of course). I had only 2 more weeks to "live it up". When I got home that night I got sick. I spent much of the night awake nursing a sick stomach. I often wonder if that was a sign that things were going down hill and I had no clue.

I believe this Thursday (instead of dates I am more focused on the days that coincide with last year) was the night that Beckett started to get weak and I missed all the signals. Maybe there were not any blaring signals, yet. I just remember that Friday was the day that I started to panic off and on, but obviously not enough to call the hospital and go in.

I hate the saying, "everything happens for a reason". I know I used it before Beckett died, plenty enough. It is a safe thing to say. It comforts people and yourself. If this statement wasn't true then that means bad things happen to good people, sometimes for no reason and that is too painful and makes a person feel vulnerable and unsafe. Well, I don't believe that saying anymore. I don't think God put Beckett here and took him so quickly to teach us something...I think that happens because of cause and effect. I think that sometimes there are accidents. I believe God knows outcomes to our lives but I think sometimes things just happen. I am sure that if there would have been a different scenario...let's say...I was doing kick counts and noticed a severe decrease in movement and we went in immediately...they would have seen that he was in distress...there would have been an emergency c-section...and he could possibly have been alright with some intervention. If scenario B would have happened I think I'd be saying "it was meant to be", "this happened for a reason." When something this tragic happens to your own child...it is too hard to ever think "this happened for a reason".

If I had one question I got to ask God...I'd ask "WHY?"