When Beckett died, I am not sure I would have come out of it so well had it not been for Holden and Grace. Holden was sensitive to all that was happening. He was always there for a big squeeze or to hand me a tissue when I'd be crying. He'd mention Beck everyday. He'd ask to go to his grave. He made pictures with Beckett in heaven with Jesus. He let me be emotional and he'd be emotional with me. He always reminded me that Beckett was every bit a part of this family as he was. He was great through it all. Grace was the polar opposite. She was upbeat and reminded me that life needs to go on. She'd make me laugh at my darkest. She'd interupt my pity parties and demand my attention. She let me know that it scared her to see me cry and feel so awful. She tried her hardest to get me to forget Beckett. She'd even say some mean things that I know she did not mean but rather she was trying to get our life back...our happy life...our carefree life...a life when mommy was there for her. In her mind, Beckett caused this upheavel in our safe and happy home with his death and she did not like it. Wow! How confusing that all must have been for her in her mind. And then there is our little Liver Beans...she plays such a tremendous role in our healing. That is a big role for such a little girl. A role that one day she might think unfair. But as it is right now she is a little ray of hope, sunshine in our day, someone to stare at and touch when I am feeling blue, a little being that gets more attention then she probably cares to...

Liv has noticably affected the kids. She makes Holden happy. I can see when he holds her that he has all this love for her. He has waited for a sibling for so long. She has made it okay for him to talk about Beckett freely because she heals some of that hurt. Grace has done a complete turnaround. Maybe it is her age...maybe it is Liv's presence...but she talks about Beckett now more than ever before. SHe talks about him with a smile on her face. Somehow Liv has made it safe for her to express her true feelings for her brother. They both always talk about how we have 2 boys and 2 girls. They say we are a family of 6 with pride. Grace frequently talks about Beckett being near us--floating. No matter where we are she will comment on where he is in the room.

Last night we went out to eat to celebrate Cory's 38th (yes, 38th) birthday. The kids were so happy. They just love birthdays! After we sat down with our food the kids were feeding Beckett. They made room for him at our table. While some people might find this odd (okay I'll admit I thought it was a little strange:), it is their way to solidify his place in our family. Very concrete, yes...but also enduring and sweet. He ate a chicken fry for the record:) CHicken fry? Why yes, we really step it up for birthday meals!! We visited the Pizza Ranch:)

Our birthday's always tug on my heart for some reason. The one gift I wish I could have given Cory is his little buddy back. It is so hard to believe that almost 16 months have passed since we had to say goodbye to Beckett. While taking care of Liv's dripping nose the other day it reminded me of those final moments with him. I remember wiping his nose a few times and I just could not handle it anymore. I got scared. I don't know what I thought would happen...but we decided it was time for them to take him. That was an awful decision, one to this day can throw me into a complete puddle. ***break for tears and a nose blow*** I knew I would never see him again except for in pictures. That ripped my heart out. Literally, that is what it felt like. I remember loosing it emotionally. My heart felt like it was pulled through my chest and shredded, stomped on...I never, EVER want to experience that kind of pain again. EVER! It is amazing that people live through that and on top of that smile again. I am more resilient than I ever thought I could be.

Lots of thoughts going out to people today. Those who recently had to say goodbye to their babies forever, those friends of mine who are missing their little boys, those who are desperately waiting for their little ones to arrive safely and for another friend who said goodbye to her little girl 3 years ago.