Having a newborn in the house and only 2 hands equals not much spare time to catch people up! But, I would not trade it for anything. Liv continues to be a little bundle of joy. She is a big sleeper and is asleep most of the day and at night. She is pretty consistent on her awake times and fortunately it works out well for us. Cory and I are lucky to get about 2 hours of awake time with her when the kids just head off to bed. I dreamed of these days for so long...

Liv fits right in. So far the kids have adjusted great, as if she has been here all along. This might change when she is awake more and demands more of my time. Right now she is content to be held by all of us or easily lays down for a nap (which is not too often:). It is difficult for me to put her down for a nap. I definatley feel like I am giving her all the attention I'd give her and Beck combined. It is my way of being able to care for him too. I hope he watches us and sees how much love and attention he would have been given.

I am feeling the holiday blues. It is hard to admit that when I have a beautiful little girl here with us this Christmas. She is a blessing and I am so grateful that she is here. But, it does not take away the hurt that Beck is not here with us all too. It hurts that there are no presents for him under the tree. It hurts to think of where his little body lays. It hurts that he is not in our arms too. Having Liv has just opened the wounds. I love her with every fiber of my being...but sometimes I look at her and think holy crap...we really buried our little baby boy. The reality of that slaps me in the face sometimes. I know that it is real but sometimes it feels like that was just a dream. But then the horror of the reality hits you.

Sometimes I watch Liv sleep and I see Beck's face. And sometimes I get scared...wondering if she will just stay sleeping one of these days. Sometimes I see him so clearly in her and I am comforted. Sometimes I see him and I see his still little face. That just kills me. Holding Liv and feeling all the happiness and pride...thinking to Beck and remembering all the saddness and hurt...it just isn't right. It will never be right.

I wish I could say that I have everything I want for Christmas, but that would be a lie. I want to say that my life feels so complete...our family feels complete, but there is still this huge hole there. I wish I could fill it. We will have a great Christmas and we are so excited to have our little girl here to share it with us. That makes me very happy. I am so lucky. I really am. I just wish Beckett was here to share it with us too.

On another note, I really hope we make it home for Christmas. The predicted snow could cause a problem. I so want to introduce Liv to all the family that has not met her yet.

Happy Holidays to each and every one of you!