A peculiar thing happened...

This morning was a beautiful one! Sun was shining, it was cooler, a slight breeze...a perfect day to air out the house. The kids and I made an impromptu stop at the park for a little chasing around before lunch. It was just so beautiful out. It actually reminded me of the day we buried our sweet little baby. That compounded with a call for the monument person set those emotions in motion.

I was pushing Grace on the "baby" swing. She says it is safer:) Her giggle makes my heart so warm. I thought about how Beck would be old enough now to sit up in one of those swings. I pictured him sitting there with a big gummy smile enjoying the breeze on his face and the thrill of being swung back and forth. Of course, tears are dripping down my face as I smile thinking of how much Grace enjoys being pushed as high as she can go. Then Holden comes over to join us on the other swing. I get him started and they laugh together. In the meantime, I am looking to the sky daydreaming while keeping the two going. I am thinking of Beckett and how dearly I miss him. The song Glory Baby pops into my head and I hear the words so clearly. It dawns on me that there are some lyrics in that song that may be just right for his headstone. As I am crying, absorbed in my misery and loneliness wondering if his spirit is around us at the park...I realize that Holden and Grace are having that very conversation together. They were talking about how his is always around us. Holden thinks that if we go to China or something he wouldn't be there. Grace corrects him and says he is all around us and he lives in our hearts always. Holden decides to agree (amazing). I just thought it peculiar that without me mentioning a single word out loud to the kids were thinking of him too as they swung just as I was. I am so proud of them. I am so proud of who they are. I am so proud and thankful they are ours.

Last night we decided to go have supper on a patio of a restaurant. Grace playing a game with me that I was a teacher and her and I could ask each other questions. Of course she asked me when I thought Grace would poop on the potty. There were other silly questions. Then I asked her "are you excited about having a baby in the family? Are you going to hold it? Are you going to give it lots of lubbies?" She replied, "Yes, but mom (she got serious) what if the baby dies?" Those are questions I struggle with in my heart. That same thought runs through my head 20 times a day. It is just so sad that everyone is excited...we have waited so long it seems...but we are guarded. Afraid. Untrusting. It is just so utterly draining. I try so hard to not let those feelings overcome me. Sometimes I am successful, other times I am not. However, I do know it is normal. Anyone that has lost experiences these same feelings. I am thankful I have those people to lean on when I need the support.