6 months since we last held you.

Dearest baby Beckett,

My sweet little angel. Your sweet little face I miss so much. The pain in my heart is immesurable. I felt like such a fool today. We were walking into church and Pastor Kathy called for me to let me know she was thinking of me yesterday. I nodded and said "thanks" with a smile on my face. I had to think...was I doing something special yesterday? What in the world was she talking about? Was she just letting me know that she was thinking of me just because? I sat down still trying to figure out the significance when your dad leaned over and said, "Beckett died 6 months ago, it was the 4th of April." "WOW!" I can't believe several people were thinking of me (us) and I was not even thinking of us. I felt like I betrayed you. We were so busy yesterday and it just slipped by me. But it hit me there in church and I tried to hold back the tears. I wanted to leave and just be alone with my thoughts of you and cry. I couldn't let myself do that though because I could never pull it together and go out there and face everyone. The pain is so raw sometimes. I sat there though, and a million flashes went through my mind. It was like little flashbacks to that day. Snapshots. Cory and I trying to see the ultrasound screen. The sound of the laptop snaping shut quietly. The words I am sorry. Your daddy and I walking into the hospital to deliver you. Sitting in the bed getting prepped for surgery. Getting the spinal in the OR and remembering how calm and utterly devastated I was. Hearing "Congratulations a beautiful baby boy". The painful sobs let out in hearing those words. Holding you and not wanting to ever let go. Holding you trying not to gaze too much at you for fear of my heart breaking even further. Facing that fear and taking a long hard look and falling into pieces. All of that can run through my head in a minutes time. I can feel it all over again. Beckett, I miss you so much and I daydream of you with me every day. I honestly do not think that there has been a 15 minute period when you have not crossed my mind. It does not matter what I am doing thoughts of you are always there. I am guessing you kind of know that in some way. I love you little buddy. I know someday I will get to hold you. Just know that your mommy and daddy miss you more and more each day.

Love,
Mommy

Friends of ours dropped off a card and some stones for Beck's garden today...remembering us in that way is so touching. Thank you!