Church today was a little emotional again for me. I thought I had gotten past all that...only the occasionally sound of a baby would tug at my heart. I was all fine and good until I noticed a little boy sitting directly in my view. He was maybe 3 months old...peering around. He gave his mom and dad a few smiles. I started to cry. I just pictured my little boy with no life in him and then I imagined him in my arms smiling at me. It is in those moments when it takes so much strength to hold in all the emotion...who wants to make a scene. I thought about walking out a few times, but really what purpose would that serve? This is our life. A life we need to adapt too. I can't run away and think that pain will then go away, because it does not. It is here to stay. What I need to do is learn how to make my mind say...cute little baby, so sweet...but all I think of is our little guy...all that should have been, all that could have been. I think of what was taken away. I think of how unfair it all feels. I think how incredibly wrong it feels to have Beckett's body in the ground and his soul in heaven. This new reality for us is an incredibly hard one to digest. It is hard to remain consistent in thought. My feelings about all of this can change day to day...hour to hour...I just wonder how long it takes (or if it ever happens) for my emotions to be consistent and feel peaceful. That is one thing I don't believe I have felt yet...I have not felt at peace yet. There were maybe some fleeting moments in time. I wonder if it has something to do with not knowing what happened in my womb, how he died. It was just a tragedy with no answers.