The rain has helped melt away some of snow in the last few days. I can see some grass here and there. I volunteer on Tuesday's at Holden's school for this little reading thing and on my way home I decided to "swing" through the cemetery. Let me just say, it is awful to have your child there (as if most people could not guess:) I just sat there and stared toward his grave site. I just sat there and remembered back to the day we went there to bury him. All those awful, dreadful feelings came immediately back and have decided to settled down stay for a little while. I just remember all the sobbing and staring at that little white box...wanting to open it and take him out of there and shake him. Wake him up! Wake me up from the horrible nightmare. When it was time to bless his little coffin...it was so painful. It was not peaceful for me...comforting-no...I was just angry, devastated and with an indescribable sadness in my heart. I just rested my head on his coffin and sobbed, Cory right beside me doing the same. I didn't want to let go. I thought I was going to die of a broken heart right there.

I struggled yesterday...I think it is because I conceived Beckett at about this exact time last year. I have been having a pity party for myself since yesterday afternoon. I will make a conscious decision today to put it behind me. It is not easy to grieve at this point with your children present. That kind of hurt is gone for them and I think they would wish it was gone for me too. Yesterday Grace gave me her little stuffed doll. She said, "Here take this baby instead of Beckett." Anyway...this pity party will end today. I am starting to feel pathetic.

On a MUCH brighter note. My sister and her family and my mom and dad are coming to stay with is this weekend. We are very excited to have them here. It is a real treat when they come to visit. It will definitely brighten my mood! Can't wait to have you. I have not seen any of them since early January. It will be good to have some company.