I have not written for a while, I just realized. As you move along in grief, I think it becomes harder to pour your heart out. Some of the thoughts are just so repetitive. Some thoughts I hold close to me and do not share. And at at this point you wonder about other people's judgement and some things are just so difficult to put into words.
I think most people will be glad to know that I can now pray for our family, along with other people's families. It is kind of funny though, towards the end of my silent prayers I find myself having a one sided conversation with Beckett. I ask him why I have not felt him physically for a while. I ask him if he thinks about us or watches us and ever longs to be held in our arms or by his brother and sister.
The kids were excited to see a path plowed out in the cemetery and asked if we could drive in there and look for Beckett. Of course, Holden calls out I see I can see where he is. We really need to get something out there so we can see where he is. I am thinking, I know, I know...Then Grace says in a very sincere manner. You know what mom, it is really sad that Beckett died. She is really absorbing all of this nearly 5 months later. Obviously, she does not know the enormity of it, but I think she is starting to genuinely miss him, even though...she really wanted a girl:)
I think about picking out grave stone a lot. I have looked on the Internet at some different ideas. I know who I need to call, but I can't bring myself to do it. Nothing seems perfect or unique enough for him. It is all to standard or frilly. The finality of it is so very painful. We did not know we were having a boy. I bought him a couple of things for his coffin. A nice, warm blanket and a gold cross. The only other thing I get to pick out for him is a grave stone. So at this point, nothing seems good enough. Nothing can really reflect how much we cherish him and love him. I think I will just have to suck that one up though, head stones are never that cheery or rarely do they tell a story. And I really want him to have something more than the generic funeral home marker.
3 comments:
Hey Holly,
Just checking in with you. I have been thinking a lot about you lately. A lot about Beckett. Nobody should ever have to pick out a gravestone for their child, but I know you will find the perfect one.
Chris
Hey Sister,
I miss you guys and hopefully we'll get up to mom's to see you and the kids. I so wish you didn't have to be going through this...you shouldn't have to do the unimaginable it just isn't fair. I wish you were holding little Beck in your arms right now and not just in your heart. I always pray for your strength and for God to wrap His arms around you and let you feel your little boy through him. Little Beckett will never be forgotten!! Love You, Sherri
Good morning Holly. Each time I read your blog I am amazed at what I learn about your journey and I get a little glimpse of how this all affects your family. Thanks for sharing your most intimate feelings. It makes me so sad to think about the only things you were able to give Beckett are the precious items you placed in his casket and eventually his headstone. But you were also able to give him a warm, loving and nurturing womb to grow in, a brother and sister who cherished and talked to him before he was born, and a beautiful service to honor and remember him for the gift that he is to your family. Beckett is still getting things from you...I know he hears your prayers and your talks you have with him reminding him how much you all love him and miss him. I can't imagine how hard it would be to pick out a headstone for a child, but I know whatever you choose will be a unique reflection of your love for Beckett.
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