It has been a while since I have been choked up. I guess choked up is not the word...maybe suffocated. I was cleaning out my buffet and came across a thank-you card with a card made by the funeral home. I don't know what they call those pamphlet things. It announced the death of Beckett. My heart started pounding. I just sat there and stared at that mold of his foot. And I was overcome by grief of never getting the chance to kiss those little toes. I then came across the picture book with all of Beck's photos. And I sat there and cried...sobbed. He was so beautiful. He was my little baby and he was dead. I just can't believe the magnitude of what has happened. What happened to him!

I have not let myself cry for quite some time. I have not let myself feel the heaviness of our loss for quite some time.

I miss that little boy with every fiber of my being.