Obviously tomorrow is Thanksgiving and it is a bittersweet holiday for me. I definitely want to see everyone, do our early morning shopping and just lounge around, but this is the first major holiday without Beckett. When we first talked about when to try for a 3rd child we thought it might be nice to shoot for a fall baby so we would have a little one for the holidays. I loved having baby Julia there last Thanksgiving. She was 4 days old, I think, and she was so cute, sweet and tiny. That sold me. I wanted to get pregnant and hopefully have a little one to share on Thanksgiving. Those hopes came true and we were so excited. I remember it being a Friday morning...I remember waking Cory up in the early morning to tell him. Gosh, I never in a million years would have guessed the outcome. That we would be arriving with empty arms this Thanksgiving. That hurts so bad. The pain is so intense. I feel it through my whole body. It just sucks so bad. The holidays will be a struggle...although I know I can put on a straight face, my heart will be crying.
Holden said the sweetest thing the other day. He said, "Mom, I can't wait for Christmas Day!" I was thinking, I am sure you can't. Then he said, "It is not because of the presents, it is because Beckett will get to go to his first birthday party. Jesus will have a party because it is his birthday on Christmas." I guess we have done something right. I was so proud of him. He was genuinely thrilled for his little brother.
There are many things to be thankful for. I am thankful that my little boy was an innocent soul and he is in heaven. I am thankful for Holden and Grace, for without them I am not sure where I would be right now. I am thankful for great friends who continue to support me-even though I am sure they are getting tired. I am thankful for our family who always check in and continue to pray for us and Beckett. I am thankful for all of those other people who have reached out even when they do not know us that well. There is a lot to be thankful for. I know that.
Please keep my brother Jason and Chris in your prayers as they are experiencing a great deal of grief in the last few weeks. I am thinking about you guys!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
1 comment:
Holly: Someone told me about your blog. Let me just say that it is so heartbreaking to read your thoughts and feelings. It is also inspiring, however, because as you know, a dear friend of mine is going through the same thing. I plan to share it will her. She needs to read what she is likely feeling too.
Right now she is being so positive, but I fear she is just holding it all in. Your honesty is so good for her.
Thank you for sharing with us. You are paying tribute to your lovely little baby boy, and he is reading your loving words as well.
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