We have all had the moments when we stop...what was I just thinking? What was I just going to do? What day is it? I used to feel I was pretty organized and able to put my day together pretty well, with the occasional lapse in memory. Nothing compares to the way I am feeling today. I can have 20 good minutes, conversation can flow, my mind is connecting-wham! In space...it is the wierdest state of being somewhere, but not really being there. Walking through the motions, but not connecting with them. I feel for my children for when our family needs to get on with their lives, we have to go through the day alone...I hope that I will have this burst of knowing what to do. Right now I feel like I know what to do but I lack any motivation to do it. My mom and dad have been here since Sunday afternoon and my sister rolled in last night to get us through this weekend.
Friday was supposed to be Beckett's birthday. I had big hearts circled on every October 17th in my house. I know it is going to be so painful. We waited 37 weeks to meet this little one. I knew I was pregnant at 4 weeks. From the moment I first felt him move I knew his patterns of sleep, awake time, hiccups and how excited he seemed to get when the kids would talk to my belly. He was already apart of our family, it was just a matter of time before we got to meet him. This was supposed to be such a joyous time. Instead, I am looking at a perfect baby room door that is shut and cold. Baskets of baby clothes I had ready to put on the baby. Blankets bought for him. Stacks of diapers and the most expensive wipes. Baby wash, baby wash clothes, baby wipes (the most expensive and softest, of course:) baby swing...the list can go on. Someday I will have to go and put that all away...for that dream is over.
One thing that I know I can do is kiss my kids, hug my kids, beg them for cuddles, and hold them when they are sad. Those are important things. Please everyone...give your kids just a little more patience, a little more love, and a validate their feelings (even if it is being upset over not getting a brownie at breakfast). Even if you can only have the energy to do it for an hour. They are such precious little gifts.
Just a note to pass on that a friend shared with me...tonight at 7pm across the nation people are lighting candles to remember all the babies that have gone to heaven, like Beckett. So if you are at home please participate in creating a wave of light across the nation-we will be!
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3 comments:
Dear Cory and Holly, Holden and Grace,
Thank you for sharing your feelings and your heart with us. As I read your blog, my heart just aches for you; and yet I cannot stay away. A way to lesson your pain has not come to me. That is because there is no way to help; this is a journey that you must make alone, each in your own way and in your own time. Time will heal, prayer helps (I am sure), and the love and concern of others is a comfort. Please know that you have my love, my concern, and my prayers--daily!! If there is anything that you need, please let me know. You "kids" are important to me. Love, Jeremy's Mom (Because there is already a Becky in your blog) xo
P.S. I forgot to say that I will be home tonight, lighting candles in memory of Little Beckett Cory.
Hey Hol,
I just got back into town and have spent the last hour reading your blog about Beckett - and crying. I feel guilty for getting on with my life...my heart still hurts for all of you. I thought about you every day - and cried quite a few times too.
I wish there was something I could do to lessen the pain. I am so glad that Sherri and the kids are here to help you through the next few days. Friday will be a hard day, but you will get through it...I just know you will. The answer to today's question is "You are one awesome mother, wife and person."
I will light candles for Beckett and all of the other angels tonight at 7:00.
Love to you all, Karla
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