Our pregnancy was normal...morning sickness, lots of baby movement, strong heartbeat, regular appointments. We had a few anxieties along the way, positive screen for downs syndrome, positive screen for gestational diabetes...all of which ended up being negative. We wanted to keep the sex of the baby a secret, just like our first two children, Holden and Grace. We had planned this pregnancy and decided it would be our last child. We were very excited and the kids were ecstatic about the new addition to our family. Holden thought it would be a boy and Grace was adamit that it was going to be a girl and nothing else! We eagerly awaited the birth, which was going to be shortly before Halloween. The kids would always rub my tummy, talk and kiss my tummy and loved to watch it move. It especially was active when we would read bedtime stories with the kids. They would giggle and giggle because the baby would roll over and my tummy would get all distorted. We were on the count down until the birth date, October 17th.

I was scheduled for a c-section. Then one day everything we had hoped for came to an abrupt hault. I went in for a routine weekly visit with my OB and the heartbeat was in the 150's and everything looked great! Then on Friday I realized that I hadn't really felt the baby move very much, I thought it was just sleeping-maybe getting ready to come a little sooner than expected. I thought that might be exciting, but we were not ready yet...the crib wasn't up yet. By Friday evening my concerns turned into a more intense effort to get the baby to move to reassure me. I tried ice water, a sugary drink, a bath, laying on my back...nothing. Still, I had no reason to believe anything was wrong, I thought I was just being a worry wart-as always. I did put a call into the family birth center just to make sure and they asked me to come in and get checked. We dropped off our kids at grandma's and went in. Little did we know our world was about to crumble and change forever.

The nurse was not able to locate a heartbeat, she requested an ultrasound. We were still unsure but a little sick to our stomachs. Could my concern be something really serious? Could this baby that we've waited for for so long have a medical condition we didn't know about? Would we have to deliver early? And the unthinkable...was our baby dead?

The ultrasound tech came in and the mood was very somber, no look of relief on her face. Just a blank stare at the screen. I looked to my husband who could see the screen and wanted some kind of clue that things were okay, but nothing. We knew when she walked out without a single word that there was something seriously wromg.

Then, the words all a blur but the fact clear...I am sorry, we could not find a heartbeat.