Letter to Beckett

Dear baby Beckett,
Today was to be your birthday. A long 10 months of carrying you inside me. Finally, the day we have long awaited for arrives, but you are not here. You will never be her physically in our arms. We will not all be in the crowded hospital room fighting over who gets to hold you next. We won't be staring at that sweet face and talking about who you look like. We are not dressing you up in all the cute little things we bought for you. We won't feel that excitement of seeing your eyes open and look around the room all of us trying to get your attention. All of us acting like goofy adults speaking in baby. Your brother and sister who loved you so much through my tummy, won't be holding you and everyone snapping pictures to catch their reactions.

Holden won't be gently touching your face and smiling his sweet smile at you. Grace will not be tickling your chin and saying incessantly, "Beckett, Beckett, look at me. Look at me." Grandma and grandpa's will not be gazing at you with the proudest smile upon their faces. Aunts and uncles will not be holding you and telling you about all the fun you were going to have together. Mommy and daddy will never get to sleep with you lying on us. Mommy and daddy will never get to fight over who has been a baby hog. We will not be calling all of our family and friends to tell them the good news, "It's a boy!" We will not be loading pictures onto the Internet to e-mail everyone.

No, today we are holding you close in our hearts. Wishing and hoping you would be here with us. Instead we are planning what we should do to commemorate this day. We plan to visit your grave site, on this cold, wet day to being you some pumpkins the kids painted just for you. We plan to release some balloons into the heavens for you. Maybe we will watch the beautiful slide show Ria made for us to remember our beautiful baby.

We love you Beckett and we did since the moment we knew you were growing inside of me. You are so beautiful and innocent. We will never let your spirit fade. We miss you more than we ever knew we could miss someone. I pray that God is holding you in his arms this day and telling you about us.

Love, Mom and Dad

The pain is almost unbearable today. The night was restless much like it is the night before you know you are to deliver but with a different feeling. A feeling of uneasiness and anguish for the day to come and what should have been. It was supposed to be such a joyous day, a day for celebration. We never saw this coming...we never planned for anything close to this.

I always thought of myself as a planner but someone who could appreciate each day and be thankful. Now I know what that really means...