I was going to blog in order, from the beginning becasue that is how I like to do things...organized and in an order. Today is a little different, this has been so therapeudic, that I needed to write. The kids are adjusting but Holden is struggling with having to go to school, he used to really enjoy it. It breaks my heart to put him on the bus and tell him he needs to go. I feel so awful for doing that because I know his heart is breaking too. He is starting to come up with some reasons that Beckett died. He told me he thought is was because I took too many hot baths and you are not supposed to take hot baths. He has also said that he thinks God took him because he and Grace were fighting too much. This just leaves you with the most awful pain in your heart, because we can't give him a better reason than "sometimes things like this just happen, no reason, no ones fault" or "God had a different plan" This does not make sense to a 6 year old, nor does it make any sense to me.
I told Cory something I was hesitant to tell him, for whatever reason. The night before last I woke at 4am-like every morning-and I heard the song Glory Baby. This is the song we played at the gravesite. It was clear as a bell although I could not tell you now how it goes. I felt pressure on my thigh and I heard my sweet baby boy say "Mommy, I'm okay-I am happy" After I told him this at breakfast and was crying, Grace of course gave me her biggest, cheekiest smile and started to tickle me. The tears have not stopped since. I ache to hold my baby boy, I want to smell his smell, I want to feed him, I want to love him in the present, I want something more than I have. This isn't fair. I can't even bring myself to pray for comfort because I am so mad.
It is a rainy, dreary day today...very fitting for how I am feeling. I do want to thank those though who have e-mailed me or posted on this blog...your words are so comforting. Nothing can take the pain away, but this blog sure helps me release my anger and pain.
3 comments:
Holly,
Beckett's funeral was so beautiful; the music, the weather, the spoken words, the balloons. Everything was perfect. Therein lies the greatest injustice. I kept thinking through the whole service, there is this perfect little baby who is missing out on so many people to love him and hold him. We are missing out on little Beckett in our lives. We will never get to watch him grow up, play with his cousins, or just be part of this family. My heart aches for you so much. I wish I had all the right words to say. I wish there were right words to say. We will never forget Beckett. He will be there at every holiday, at every celebration, at every gathering. His spirit will be with all of us every day. We will always feel his presence. This is not ever going to be enough, but my greatest prayer for you is someday this will bring a sense of comfort, more than a sense of pain. We love you all so much. Chris
Holly and Family,
I was devasted when I heard the news. From reading this blog it is clear that Beckett is loved. I can't begin to imagine the grief you are going through, but know that you are loved also and your faith and family will help guide you through your grief. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.
Robyn
As I read your entries, I am deeply touched and my heart aches for you. We had a close friend/family lose their little boy to cancer about a year and a half ago. It has been tough, to say the least. While your situation is a little different, the outcome was still the same---they lost someone who meant the world to them. There are no right words to say at a time like this, but as I read about how Holden is having a tough time, I remembered something my friend Susie talks about and I thought it might be fitting to share with you. It is the story of the dragonfly. There is a children's book called the Dragonfly Door by John Adams. While I have not read it myself, it talks about grief and uses an analogy of heaven and life after death. Perhaps it may be worth checking into...? The dragonfly symbols new life and perhaps will give Holden an analogy to hold onto as he tries to understand why. Just a thought I wanted to share...You will remain in our thoughts and prayers. Hoping that perhaps today was a good day...Your cousin,Becky
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