I was doing a little reading yesterday, which lead to some thinking, which led to some internalizing, which led to some possible answers that I can work with. I have an anxious personality. I get extremely nervous when there is bad weather and I worry about car accidents. That is a very big fear for me. To help myself try and cope with those situations, I always tell myself I give that control to God and I feel a little bit better.

Maybe that is my light bulb moment. We have learned that we are not in control. If I were in control Beckett would be in our arms, sleeping in his bassinet, and being loved up 24/7. I think our lives are in God's hands. I have always believed that he was an ever present, all knowing God. This is where I get hung up in this tragedy, all tragedies.

How could he do this to us? He knew we would love that boy and raise him to be a christian. How could he cause my children pain? Why would he take Holden's little brother away? Why would he take Grace's little playmate away? Why does He want us to suffer? I think the answer is we are all on our own journey. We have some control, but ultimately He knows where we will end up. He doesn't want us to suffer but we are all so connected that it just happens. Maybe each of us is on our own journey, even though we are all intertwined...we still have our own journey in this life.

That is a hard concept for me to grasp, when you have your family that you love so much. How can this not be about all of us together? Maybe Beckett was on his own journey? Maybe we were lucky enough to be chosen to care for him for such a short time? Maybe that was an honor we received? A gift from God? Even though it hurts so badly and I want him with us so desperately..maybe this was God's plan...not a plan to hurt us and cause us pain...but Beckett's plan. We just happen to be the ones given to love him. It is all too large to grasp. It doesn't make the heartache, longing and pain go away, but maybe it is a concept I can build on that may bring me some peace and understanding later on.

I know our little boy is in heaven. The hard part is not knowing how he got there, who cares for him, and will he know us when it is our turn. Does he know that I miss him? Does he know how much I love him? Does he know how bad I am hurting? Does he watch us? Does he miss us? Does he know when I am thinking of him? It is so hard to not know...I still want to be his mommy. I am not sure how to do that from so far away.