The Birth

When we arrived at the hospital we were a mix of emotions...we could not believe we were there to deliver a dead baby. We had an excellent nurse that helped us prepare for surgery and what we could expect our baby to look like. We were both so scared. We kept asking each other, how are we going to do this? Painfully, I had to leave Cory and head to the OR to get prepped. The atmosphere was so different than my other two births. It was quiet and everyone spoke very softly. I put myself into a different world. Finally, Cory came in and he held me (as best he could). The actual delivery seemed to be very long, I just wanted it to be over. Everything was really quiet. Then the announcement "It's a beautiful baby boy with lots of hair." Cory and I lost it. Absolutely lost it! A boy...we could not control the tears and the feelings of rage and how cruel and unfair this was. I immediately thought of Holden and how badly he wanted a brother and it just hurt worse. They brought our baby to us and they unstrapped my arms so I could touch him. This was my baby, a baby I'd never get to rock to sleep, nurse, and see him grow-it should have been a joyous moment, he was still my baby but I was so mad! He was beautiful and that even hurt worse. There was nothing wrong with him, the doctor could see nothing wrong within the womb-no explanation...nothing.

They took him back to the nursery to bath him and then we'd get to hold him. When they bought him to us it was the most painful experience. I loved that child so much and I just wanted him to start coughing or something-a miracle to happen, but he was still, peaceful. The feeling of him in my arms felt so good. The depth of love I felt for him was amazing. I couldn't stop looking at him, he was perfect, beautiful...I was so proud to be his mommy. As all family gathered, everyone held him and then we baptized him. It was one of the sweetest moments. Holden and Grace put the Holy Water on his head and I will never forget watching those little fingers, through all of my tears, baptize their brother. They were so tender and gentle.

We also chose to have a friend, a professional photographer, capture our moments with our son. That was a decision we were unsure of. Now I am so thankful we chose to have it done. She did the most amazing job. She took the most beautiful photos of our baby Beckett. I could never, ever thank her enough for doing that for us. It took a lot of courage to step into that situation. I stare at the photos everyday.