There are so many things I could write about today...so many thoughts and different emotions.

I'll start with Grace...She has been talking a lot about Beckett in the last few weeks. In the beginning she didn't really understand, just thought we could get a new baby. She has never talked about missing him. She has just always just made some comments (very blunt, I might add) about her brother. Lately, she has been talking about him in a different way. She makes many comments a day about how he is living with Jesus and that he is in her heart. She told me she could feel him there. She also talks about him being with us at home. The other night as we were all sitting in bed reading a story, she stopped us and asked everyone to scoot over because Beckett was going to lay with us. I am not sure where this new perspective on Beckett came from. She has also been drawing a lot of pictures with him in it. Holden did that for about the first month after Beck died. Now he just says how sad it is to not have Beckett apart of our family here. He thinks about him and is just sad he says.

I asked Holden what he would think about us having another baby. He said "good". I asked him if he would be scared...he said "why would I be?" Gosh, is it really that simple? Since the day we had Beck, I thought about whether I wanted to have another baby. Some would say that I trying to replace Beckett. I have thought long and hard about that. There could not be another child that can make that pain go away. There could never, ever be a replacement for him. The love I have for him...can never be replaced. The place where I hold my baby now can never be substituted. There is a guilt there, though. I know that after Beckett, we would have taken measures to ensure he would have been our last. So I wonder how that child would feel knowing they would not be here if Beckett would have made it. Would that child feel ill effects from that? Would that be something we'd even share with him/her? There are so many other things to think of before we decide to try again...not to mention the unthinkable...that this could happen again! That is by far my biggest fear and Cory's too. I don't know that we could get through something like this again. It would be 38 weeks of misery. I'd be a total wreck! I don't think I can handle that emotionally yet...I think that is pretty obvious. It is hard to make all the right choices when your emotion go back and forth every day. One day I can be fine with something and the next I am crying and questioning! What a roller coaster!!

I have been reading a couple of books I got from a friend on Saturday. I am almost done with one already. It is a collection of stories of people who have died and their families and their encounters with life after death. It has been comforting. There are no stories about infants or young children, but it is still comforting. I think that is one of my hang ups with wondering what Beck is doing in heaven. I think that him being an infant, or any child for that matter, you wonder how they can take that journey to heaven alone. I can't write on this anymore...too emotional for me yet. I'll get there. I am confident about that.

Just another note, I get a little anxious that people will judge me on what I write. I would guess that some would think my faith is not strong. That is not the case at all. I believe more than ever in God and heaven. My sense of awareness is heightened. What I wonder the most about is what goes on in heaven. I just want to be a part of my child's life, that is all. I just want to know what he is doing, who he is with, and when we meet him again will he know us. Those are the answers I am searching for. I will probably never know them. In time I will have to come up with my own version that is comforting.

I better play with the kids...lots of playing today, including a 15 minute trek to the backyard on a rescue mission to shovel the trampoline which is filled with about 20 inches of snow. Not sure if the tramp will ever be the same:)