The Klinnert family (much like everyone else's family) has been incredibly busy. I do appreciate the hustle and bustle. It keeps me focusing on the future. Today as I was driving home from a quick errand...it hit me. Beckett is missing from all these wonderful times with us and his family. I think about our little boy all the time. But, most of the time it is just thoughts...remembering him. And then there are the times that my heart feels like it is in a vice. I feel like my breath is taken away. Today was one of those times.
I'd love to be out buying him gifts. I don't want to be just remembering him. I want him here to hold. I want him here to destroy the Christmas tree. I want to hang a stocking for him and I want him to be point out which one is his.
Some times I get sick of staying strong, holding in my feelings, sick of having to move on, sick of not having him here as he should be, sick of only having memories, sick of missing him, sick of being thankful for what I have...it is tough work. Some days are harder than others.
1 comment:
I had a day much like that yesterday as we were all decorating for Christmas. It just hit me - I should be having to fend off a 1 year old as i am putting up all of this stuff... I would much rather be doing that than crying while decorating with the rest of my family....it is such a tough job to have to 'move on' and 'bear the weight' of our sons not being with us.... Thinking of you always. Emily
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