We got the news today that we will not be having our baby on Friday. The baby's lungs are still not developed enough to proceed. A huge disappointment for us. We had not been really preparing at all for a delivery Friday as we did not want to be let down again, but it was still a hard pill to swallow. I thought maybe if I didn't think it would happen it would. When the nurse called me I knew right away it was not going to be the news I wanted. I could tell that she felt awful. The nurse and I have been chummy since I started doing NST's at 32 weeks. Baby got a 37. So, that was a huge leap from 12 but not good enough. I could just about kick myself, though. As I was laying there waiting for them to find a "good spot" for the amnio, we were joking around. My doctor was telling us that one time during surgery the OR team forgot to give her a hat for surgery so she took the father's hat and put it on backwards to keep the hair out of her eyes for surgery. I told her that Cory would let her keep one of his hats if it meant we could deliver the baby on Friday. She looked at me and said "Holly we can go ahead and just do a c-section on Friday if you want. We can skip this and take our chances." Cory and I both said "No, we are here. I couldn't live with myself if something bad happened." Well, after hearing it is a no go...I thought I can't live with myself if this baby is stillborn too. At least if it was born it would be okay...it might just need a little help. That seems more bearable than visiting a grave yard.

After I heard the news, I screamed some choice words:) (Yes, I was alone:) I punched pillows and I felt physically ill. I had to hang up with Cory because I was sick. I was just instantly sick with fear.

It is really hard to explain these fears to someone who has not experienced this type of loss. It is not that I don't know the baby is better off inside for a while longer. It isn't that I am just dying to meet and hold this baby. It is that I think this baby will die too. I think this baby stands a better chance outside of me where people can do something if there is a problem. What I am trying to do and what people are asking me to do is trust in God. But, God took our baby just last year. We are still grieving. We still do not fully trust the plan. We are hurt. We are scared. So, I know everyone means well, but please don't tell me that everything will be okay. Everything will be fine. Nobody knows that. Living without our little boy doesn't feel fine. Life is unpredictable and uncontrollable and that is scary.

I am so thankful that we have a house full of company this weekend. It will make the days go by faster. I will go in again on Friday at 11am for a NST and to discuss options. We will hope for a delivery at the beginning half of the week. We will keep people posted. Again, thanks for all the prayers-they have to work sometime don't they?