So many things are taking place and I am starting to feel very overwhelmed. I feel like I am really struggling emotionally. As the date gets closer I feel like all these "things" are in the way and non of it are things that I can control and it is getting very hard to not just "freak out". The kids both started to get sick this weekend, Grace before Holden. Grace tested negative for H1N1 but when I took Holden in to the walk-in yesterday he said he was almost positive that is what we are dealing with and that we were out of the window to treat for Tamiflu and he was not in the category of kids they would treat. I was fine with that as I noticed that Grace was acting like a crazy lunatic in the doctor's office. She was wild! In a cute way, though...so that was good. I figured they both had basically the exact same symptoms so Holden would be better in a couple of days. So far it seems to have been pretty mild. A lot of laying around and only drinking fluids. So naturally, I have been a mad woman disinfecting surfaces 10 times a day, washing sheets daily (does anyone know if flu virus can live on bedding?), washing hands every 10 minutes, nasal rinses, gargling...the list goes on:) If I get it I just hope to get it sooner rather than later, Cory as well. Again, this is nothing I can control and better now than after baby. I can be really rational, however, sometimes I start to throw a quiet pity party for myself (I guess I am inviting you all in now:) Things could be worse...much worse.

So those words take me somewhere else. I am extrememly scared, nervous, anxious, excited...my feelings are all over the board. What if? What if something happens? What if somethign bad happens? I don't think I can handle another heartbreak. I know I can't. That fear is very overpowering. It pushes all rational feelings aside. It takes over. I run through being in the operating room last October and how excruciating everything was. I can't picture a happy scenerio-all I can think of is all the bad that can happen. I try to remember back to when Holden and Grace were born. The only positive experience I had was when Grace was born. Things went pretty smooth. Holden was more of a frantic scenerio trying to get him out quickly and I felt like I was being suffocated...I felt like I had no air and I was dying. Grace was pretty smooth. Beckett, well I think I have been over that before. I am terrified to go back to the hospital again. I am terrified to walk the same hallway. I am terrified to sit there and wait while they prep me. I am terrified that something will go wrong. I am terrified I will not hear our baby's cry. These are real fears. It is eating me up inside. Then I think, ok so everything turns out great, then where does that leave me in all of this? There is no manual on where to go from here. I guess I will have to find my own way.

I am truely grateful that my sister and mom and dad will be here Thursday night (granted amnio is good). I think it will help take my mind off of everything. There is also this calmness that I always feel when they are here. It gives me something else to look forward too. I have only seen my family once since the end of August so I will be very excited to have them here! We are also going to have some visitors for Thanksgiving this year. This is probably a once in a lifetime opportunity!:) The kids are really excited to not have to travel "for once" they say. Holden think he and his dad are going to make a special cake. I am sure it will be really special if Cory is involved:)

Grace came downstairs this morning and the first thing she said was, "Two things today mom! Only 9 more days until the baby and field trip day at school!" I think her baby excitement has returned. This past weekend her and I decided to pack a bag for the baby with the stuff he/she would need for the hospital. I never bought a "coming home" outfit...as this is just something too assuming. I have 2 drawers one with boys clothes (all from Holden/Charlie) and one with girls clothes (all from Grace). She chose a little pink Zebra outfit she wore when she was just a few days old for the girls to wear. She also picked a little outfit Charlie (Jaosn and Chris's boy) wore. She took her time folding each outfit very neatly. She picked out the socks. She picked out a sleeper (white of course:). She really enjoyed doing that. One of the cutest things she packed was a set of earplugs for Cory for when the baby cries!

We still have yet to get the baby's room in any kind of order. The walls are completely primed but nothing else is set up...just a ladder. Maybe this weekend we will be able to get a little more done. Two of my good friends, who have been extrememly supportive of everything we have gone through and are going through, have volunteered to paint the baby's room while we are in the hosptial. I think it will be fun to come home and see it all pulled together. I hope my mom and sister know they will have to pull it all together! Well the personal touches will have to be done a few weeks later. Hmmm...Mandie might be coming for Thanksgiving...I wonder what kind of creative touch I can talk her into doing:)?