I graduated

Today was our last ultrasound and visit to the perinatologists. We waited nearly an hour past our appointment time. There was "something unexpected" that came up with another patient. If this would have happened to me a "before" I lost Beckett, I would have been very impatient. But, now my heart just goes out to whomever may be facing a crisis. We got to see our little chubby, cheeked baby today. He/she looks so big on the screen now. I found myself sad for a couple of reasons. Of course, I think of Beckett and how we lost him at just about 9 days at this point in our pregnancy with him. I think of how this maybe the last time I see this baby alive. I think, holy crap, we could be holding this little baby in just 16 days. I think, I am kind of sad that this will be the last time I see these nurses/doctors. You get used to these faces. You are not treated like just another number or pregnant person. There is a level of understanding there that they know things can turn on a dime. They seem to be very sympathetic to the anxieties that mothers who have lost babies feel.

Baby looked great today from it's head to it's little feet. All vitals looked great. Biophysical looked great. Growth was at the 22nd percentile today. A dip from 55% just 4 weeks ago. Baby is at about 5 lbs. On the ultrasound screen it had my e.d.d. at 12/19/09. I asked the ultrasound tech and she seemed sure of that date. We have been told for the last 6 months is was 12/11/09. This is important because this could potentially change delivery. Luckily, we were right! Thank goodness or I might have had an emotional breakdown right there! In the doctors opinion, I am very likely to be able to deliver on the 20th. I also wanted to know what kind of risk I was at for loosing this baby with all the information we have right now and my stats have significantly improved. 1-3%...although I know this doesn't guarantee ANYTHING. I got that 10% out of my head. However, we were in the low percentile risk with Beck too. Maybe hearing all of that information will help me get a full nights rest. Even with taking Ambien I am not sleeping well...I realize most pregnant people do not get much sleep now, but that just means more time to worry (nighttime is when my anxiety is at its highest). Last night though, I didn't even move until I woke up this morning at 6am. Incredible what a good night's sleep can do for a person.

When Holden got home from school I let him know that the baby looked great today and really healthy. The first thing he said was "Good then that probably means this baby won't die." It absolutely breaks my heart that he "gets it" even if it is on another level. He is concerned for this baby too and cautiously excited. Grace just said, "I just don't have that much excitement about baby today." So cute...I don't really think she has any clue as to what having a baby in the house will be like. We've been talking about it for nearly 2 years now. I am sure she is ready for this whole "baby" thing to happen.

If anyone came to our house today...you would really see no clues that we are hoping to bring home our baby in 16 days. Most of everything is still packed away, except for some diapers, wipes and a few clothes. The baby's room looks nothing like a baby's room. There is nothing "ready" just some primer on the walls. We hope to do a few more things to "get ready" this weekend.