Beckett's Garden

Finally...we have the garden planted and mulched and ready for viewing! Appropriate weekend to complete this project with lots of sweat and some tears. We love how it turned out. The kids really enjoyed being apart of it. They know that it is for their baby brother whom they really wish lived with us.

Thanks again to all who contributed. I will add flowers to it each year. We all love the tree, but Holden did get some "pokies" that really, really hurt bad:) I love the miniature weeping willow. It will get to be about 4-5 feet tall with about a 4 feet canopy. Now all I have to do is make sure I do not kill it. We love the little lady bug Sherri and Ella found...we attached it to some slate with the title of the garden. Very appropriate as well! I am not sure if I shared the story or not but the ladybug has a special place in our hearts stemming from the grave site service. It was one of the hardest things to do...show up to bury your baby. I could barely walk (a little from the surgery/a little from the body wanting to shut down). Cory held me upright. We were very slowly approaching where he was. The kids scared to pieces and sad. When we get about 6 feet from his coffin Grace takes off and screams "Legobug, legobug...look Holden a legobug." That was the last we saw of her:) She was off to play with the legobugs and get herself out of that horrendous situation. What she did that day was break the ice and cause a wave of laughter. We were then able to get to where we needed to be. God bless her innocent little soul.

We will be walking to Beck's grave today to place some flowers the kids picked out and planted in containers that they painted this morning. See picture at top of page! I guess you cannot choose where to post the correct picture OR I am that inept at figuring it out. Probably the later...Cory is not here to bail me out.

So in other news of the Klinnert family...we are expecting baby #4! Surprise...or no surprise, I don't know. I am only 10 weeks along. We are due December 18th, 2009. (Just in time for a tax write off-okay bad joke). I have yet to see my OB to confirm the date and see the heartbeat, which is why I am hesitant to post this news. However, the news has been leaked to a few so I thought it was only a matter of mear days that everyone knew. Well for that reason and it is becoming increasingly difficult to mask the noticeable bump. Yes...only 10 weeks along and I am showing. I can still wear my clothes but I have a bulge. I guess that is what happens when it is your 4th or when you only had 6 months recovery. So I guess that is a sign that things are progressing or a cruel joke. I hope progressing is the answer. I have also been nauseous since about week 5. This is the all day nausea! However, the last 3 days have been really good so I am hoping that I am still pregnant #1 and #2 the nausea is gone.

We discovered this bit of news on Easter evening. It had been an emotional day. I was in a very angry place. I marched into the bathroom and grabbed my spare test and took it. I didn't tell Cory what I was doing. I was really expecting it to be negative. I really thought there was no chance as I thought we missed our opportunity due to the "Flood of 2009". I whipped around (ready to toss it angrily into the trash) to look at it and almost fell over in shock when I saw the 2 lines appear very prominent. All I could say was "Holy S+#*, Holy S+#*!" I had to steady myself as I was bawling and trying to digest this.

I composed myself and was looking for a box to fit the stick in. I was trying to figure out a quick, clever way to tell him (not exactly clever). I found a box and rpesented it as a present. He looked a little upset with me for buying him an Easter gift. He opened it and was so surprised. We cried. We laughed. Mostly, I cried...I didn't know if I was happy, sad, excited, terrified...I think it was a rainbow of emotions.

And so it goes...lots of emotions some good, some bad, some indifferent. There is one thing I know for certain, there is NO way with is going to be a "normal" pregnancy. I am terrified of what could happen. I think about it all the time. I don't let myself imagine the new little one because I know nothing is guaranteed. I am not convinced or even that hopeful that this will be different. I think of Beckett more than I think of baby #4. I stare at his pictures and feel some guilt, lots of pain, and a longing I can't fill. I know in my heart I will not feel that joy a pregnant mother feels until the day that baby is in my arms...alive and breathing. I also feel so much guilt for this new little one. I feel horrible that I can't will myself to enjoy this time. People have told me let go of the fear...impossible I say. I just can't. I held my dead baby in my arms. The baby that was to complete our family. The baby that had two eager siblings waiting to meet him. This time around...it is with caution that we shared the news with the kids. We had to tell them this might not work out again. Almost like don't get too excited...things can change instantly. How hard for young kids to process.

Grace and I were at the park. She was playing and said "Mommy, are you mad or excited about the baby (the new one)? I said excited. "Mommy do you think the baby is going to be dead or alive?" Alive I answered softly. And then she took off and ran onto the next thing. They both have said they hope this baby does not die. Grace talks about it often to me. I think they are a little scared too. The innocence and miracle of it all seems a little diminished this time.

My anger at God has returned and is hopefully on it's way out. I just do not understand. I feel so forgotten and left to make sense of something much greater than me. Not to mention all the latest stories of tragedy all over the place. Heartache galore. It is hard to be hopeful some days. I just finished reading the book The Shack. A very good book which left me with lots of things to think about. I think it was helpful. I hope it is true. I can live with that.

So now the news is out. We will hopefully have #4 join us this Christmas. You can bet it will be a very special Christmas for us (or a horribly sad one-sorry I can't help it:).