So an incredible urge overcame me today to go visit my boys resting place. The snow looked to be melting away enough so that I could get to him. I know exactly where he is but I had to dig and dig with my bare hands and kicking snow away with my foot (which happened to be coated in mud). It felt good to go after it, releasing a little pent up anger. There his little marker covered in a few inches of water. Big machinery was working on a clay dike just to my backside as I crouch there feeling lonely, angry, incredibly sad and feeling a helpless feeling. I think the 6 month thing is creaping up on me and tearing out my heart again. The difference from then to now is I am more easily distracted. I feel like I have more control over it. I know when I leave the house in 5 minutes to pick up Gracie I will have it all pulled together with a smile on my face-delighted to see her.

My life feels so drastically changed. I never thought I'd be visiting my baby's grave instead of waking him up from his morning nap so we could pick up Grace. This sucks...