The other night, I held my son as he cried...for his brother.

It was a typical weekend night, Holden requesting a sleepover. We said no. He got upset. He stomped off to be alone. After about an hour of letting him pout, I approached him and was met with sad eyes. I asked what was the matter. He turned away and hid his head under the covers. I pressed on asking him to please tell me why he was acting so funny. He relented. What he said nearly knocked me on my knees. Shock, fear, anger, sadness...overtook me.

I still cannot say it or write the words without my heart beating a little faster, air harder to come by...he said that sometimes he wanted to die. I am not thinking of this as a link to Beckett at that second, I am concerned for his mental health. And then he said, "If I die, I will be with Beckett. I just want to see him so bad! I want to be with my brother." He confided in me that this time of year it is really hard for him. He told me that he thinks of him all the time and it makes him really sad. I held him so tight and I blubbered out all the things a mom is supposed to say, but I am thinking I have felt that desperate too at times. I know what you mean buddy.

I definitely underestimated his feelings. I am so wrapped up in my own grief this time of year, I really never even thought to ask him. We talk about Beckett often but we really do not talk about each other's feelings and where we are at now.

My heart breaks for Holden. He is a passionate and sensitive kid. He does not think like a typical nine year old. He is deep, wise...an old soul.

Since then, I have waited for an opportunity to catch him alone and revisit his feelings to gauge where he is at when he is less tired and irritated. He was laying on the trampoline alone today...perfect! I went out and laid on the trampoline with him. We made small talk for a little bit. When I asked him how he is dealing with everything lately, he shrugged his shoulders and said fine. He told me another piece of information that I have never given a thought to. He told me going to church makes him think about Beckett more. He does not like it.

I think I understand his feelings. I know I still struggle with church, especially now. I guess I still have some unresolved resentment and hurts that have not been addressed...neither does he. Problem is...how do I help him? He does not want to talk to anyone about it, but I think he needs to. He is embarrassed and too proud to let his feelings show. How forceful should I be? Any advice would be appreciated.